Knock ‘Em Dead in 5E D&D as a College of PUNishment Bard

Dungeons & Dragons games can be full of laughs and comedy. From wacky scenarios to moments where the dice have the greatest sens of humor at all there’s no shortage of silly D&D stories. When it comes to our own games, Nerdarchy Live is choc full of comedy gold, enough to sate the greediest of dragons. Whether it’s Nerditor Doug’s current game, Ingest Quest 2, or Dave’s homage to Thundarr the Barbarian with Moon Rises, we’ve got loads of live play campaigns with goofy premises. Through all the silly game sessions there’s one star who shines brightest in the Nerdarchy galaxy, and that’s Nerdarchist Ted with his plethora of puns. This got me to thinking about a way to show him how much we feel PUNished by his unique style of gaming — an homage to the maestro of word play. A set of fifth edition D&D subclass mechanics feels right at home and if the subclass in question were anything other than a Bard College I’d be truly remiss. Therefore ladies, gentlemen and otherwise I present for your players and Dungeon Masters’ pleasure the College of PUNishment bard.

Full warning: I will not hold back.

College of PUNishment

Some bards love to make a mockery of the very language they speak, wielding their words like precise, blunter knives. Those who adhere to the College of PUNishment make a joke nearly every other sentence, all while merely speaking normally. Careful, as the pun is not to be taken lightly and is contagious as the most virulent plague!

PUNishing Mockery

Starting when you choose this Bard College at 3rd level, you learn the vicious mockery cantrip, or you add a new cantrip to your repertoire if you already know vicious mockery. When you deal damage with your vicious mockery and you performed it with a pun, you can expend one use of your Bardic Inspiration to cause the spell to deal extra damage to the target you hit. The damage equals the number you roll on the Bardic Inspiration die.

In addition, when you add your Bardic Inspiration to your damage, the target must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or be stunned until the end of your next turn as the sheer audaciousness of your pun shocks the creature to its core. A creature must be able to understand you and must share a language with you in order for you to use this feature.

Universal PUNmanship

Also at 3rd level, you tap into the arcane linguistics that fuel puns themselves to make your puns understandable to all. You can speak, read, and write any language when you are communicating one or more puns.

PUNchline

Beginning when you reach 6th level, your vicious mockery uses d8s, instead of d4s, for its damage, and a creature that succeeds on its saving throw against your vicious mockery still takes half damage.

PUNderous Power

Beginning when you reach 14th level, your vicious mockery uses d12s, instead of d4s, for its damage, and when a creature fails its saving throw against your vicious mockery, you can cause the spell to invoke an additional effect. Choose one each time you cast vicious mockery from the following:

• Dumbstruck. The target cannot speak until the beginning of your next turn, or until it takes damage.
• Facepalm. Inspired by the gall of your puns, the target of your vicious mockery slaps itself in the face, taking bludgeoning damage equal to your Charisma modifier. If the target has no face it slaps a knee or other humorous body part.
• Insipid & Inspired. You may grant one of your allies within 60 feet of the target one of your Bardic Inspiration Dice.
• Rolling on the Floor Laughing. The target drops prone, as its struggles with a temporary bout of uncontrolled laughter, becoming incapacitated and unable to stand up until the end of your next turn.

Comedy gold

For you, Nerdarchist Ted, and your extraordinary puns, I dedicate this subclass. To the rest of you: I’m not the least bit sorry. If you’re looking for fun ways to spice up your games — either with or without this deliciously punny bard subclass — then take a look at Out of the Box Encounters for Fifth Edition.

What do you think about this College of PUNishment subclass for 5E D&D bards? If you like it, or if you’re just a fan of puns, drop a like and a share on this post. If you’ve been bardically inspired, share something in the comments, and of course you can tell us about the PUNishment invoked by this bard at your table by tweeting @Nerdarchy or connecting with our Facebook page!

*Featured image — The Inspiring Bard from Magic: The Gathering’s Adventures in the Forgotten Realms expansion may buff creatures or restore some life but the flavor text and that companion at bottom center suggest their elf bard friend dabbles in puns too. “Wake up, my friends! There are deeds to be done and treasures to be won!” [Art by Eelis Kyttanen]

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