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Nerdarchy > Dungeons & Dragons  > Speak With Dead #33: Garden Variety Toes

Speak With Dead #33: Garden Variety Toes

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Coming to you from across the cosmos tonight, our in house advice columnist, the Necromancer with the Answer, has collected a few letters from folks with death related problems. Tonight, Maxillae

Out of the Box D&D encounters undead

Careful consideration is the key to this encounter. Unless characters are okay with fighting endless undead. [Art by Horia Dociu]

the Mad draws out two questions and offers her sage counsel.

Stay tuned after the article if you, too, are a fellow seeker and desire guidance, to find out how you may get in contact and Speak With Dead.

——

Dear Maxillae,

I am being haunted.

It is a cold day indeed that I find myself writing for such dark counsel but I fear that I have nowhere else to turn and if something is not done my old paladin master will never find rest. It is her shade that follows my every moment, simply staring at me expectantly as though there is something I’m meant to do.

It isn’t harming me in any way. She isn’t disrupting my sleep or trying to encourage me to do anything harmful to others. She’s just…there. And to be honest it’s starting to become worrying to have those eyes on me at all times. Like she doesn’t trust me to do the right thing on my own, and I know she raised me better than that! She raised us all better than that.

I couldn’t tell you if my fellow squires have ascended to good or bad things. We all lost contact long ago, though I have a vague idea where to find them. How do I bring this restless spirit peace?

Thank you, in spite of myself,
Haunted in Havenwood

Dear Haunted-in-Havenwood,

I would strongly suggest breeching contact with your fellow squires. It is likely they have the information you are missing and will be able to at least fill in some of the pieces. Find out how your master died, what all of her unfinished business might be, and if you are really invested in helping her pass along, start finishing it.

Alternatively, though I doubt you are the type, if I could interest you in it putting the soul of a dead person into a body is one of the services I provide as a necromancer. For the paltry sum of two unrelated corpses and reimbursement for materials you could have your master back with you in a body including a tongue and the ability to articulate her needs to you.

I could also just commune with her on your behalf but I sincerely doubt she would appreciate my efforts overmuch.

Regardless, best of luck with your ininvited visitor.

Regards,
Maxillae the Mad

——

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

It feels rude to address you as ‘The Mad’, it feels like most of your advice is quite sane to me. Unfortunately, my situation isn’t. I’m hoping you’ll know what to do about it, anyway.

I seem to have an infestation of toes in my garden.

…yes, I said ‘toes’, not ‘toads’ or ‘toves’. They poke up through the ground, unattached to anything. Some mornings I will find six or seven just lying on the soil. The first time I set them aside and found them gone when I returned. Today, I brought two in the house to see if I could contain them but they escaped back to the garden.

It’s going to sound ludicrous but I wonder if not storing the big toe with them would have kept them contained longer.

Are the toes going to be harmful to the mystic potency of my plants? What should I be doing about this?

Sincerely,
Toe-Lord Timmeth

Dear…Toe-Lord Timmeth,

No, an infestation of toes is fine at this time of year and I wouldn’t even call it an infestation. Just take care not to mistake one for a potato. And perhaps strongly consider changing that alias.

If it was necromancy that brought them to life in the first place you will want to be on the lookout for signs of rot along your plants, and if you find them, do not serve them to anyone who is alive that you wish to stay that way. Contact a priest that you trust, have them check the garden out. Try to find one that won’t hurt the toes if you are attached to their presence at all. Most priests are fairly willing to just kill anything undead. Even something as cute as a family of toes.

Alternatively, just let me know if you want me to come collect them. I promise I would keep them together and most necromancers would not say the same. I understand how important the cohesive unity of a single body can be.

Regards,
Maxillae the Mad

——

Do You Have a Question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below. Unfortunately the avenue by which one could ordinarily tweet out ‘speak with dead’ has become corrupted with dark energies and is no longer safe to interface with, but we are at present working on a way around that.

Keep yourselves safe! Do not get mutated!

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

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