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Speak With Dead #29: Dark Lord Problems

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I’m not a wizard but I am a practitioner of somewhat magical arts. The advice I need isn’t particularly specific to necromancy, however. I need advice on dealing with an evil entity. Well, okay, he’s not exactly evil but he is…kind of Chaotic Narcissist? He’s been a cool guy, super helpful to me in the long run. We recently broke him out of a prison he was trapped in and instead of being properly grateful and going to live his best life he decided he was going to take over the ship we were travelling on. [NERDITOR’S NOTE: You can see how Kenna and her companions handled the situation in the video below!]

I’m just honestly feeling so hurt and attacked right now. I thought we were friends, but it turns out he doesn’t want friends, he wants servants. I think I’m going to have to kick his — well, he doesn’t really have a butt, he’s kind of a giant floating eye with more eyes sticking out of it but you get my drift.

What do I do?,

Kenna Hollythorn, Halfling Bard

 

Dear Kenna,

Beholders tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe. Round is the best shape, eyes are the best body part, blah, blah, blah. Here is something you need to learn. If a being thinks it is perfect and more perfect than every other being, it is not worth your time or effort. If a being thinks it is more perfect than you and attempts to enslave you, your three options are thus:

One, you prove yourself to be precisely the weakling the beast thought you were to begin with (and indeed they are all beasts to think in such a fashion) and duck your head and serve. Perhaps that is more survivable. Perhaps you really are that weak and inferior in which case I wish you the best of luck in your new life as a slave to an eye tyrant.

Two, you prove yourself to be more powerful than anticipated and enslave the creature instead. I know this leaves a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths because in order to do that you will have to break him badly enough that he won’t be able to rise up against you again. Leave a person whole and harm them and they will find a way to get their vengeance.

Three, you kill him. Because if you hurt him, he will never let it go.

I like option three.

What did you say that ship you were on was called again?

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I must be crazy. I’m not sure if I’m crazier for getting myself into this problem to begin with or for asking you to help me solve it, but I figure if anybody knows ‘half mad partially skeletal evil overlord’ it’s you.

So here’s the issue. I’m in love? I think? But he’s been dead so long he’s got no flesh left and sometimes I think he’s got no mind left. He likes having me around, I think, otherwise he’d have no reason to keep me. Let me get specific here, right? So I’m a wizard. A bit of an eclectic wizard, as it were. I want to learn everything I can about everything there is to know and so far he’s been pretty great at answering all of my (many, many) questions. He doesn’t seem bothered by my curiosity. He seemed curious as to why I wasn’t afraid of him at a point and I’ve made it pretty clear that I am completely loyal to the man.

It’s not a physical attraction. I mean, he’s a skeleton, it couldn’t be. I just love his intellect. We can sit down and have discourse for hours about various crazy experiments I’d like to conduct and he is so supportive of my hobbies and my goals, but he’s also undeniably evil and I have a sneaking suspicion someday he might decide to throw me into a pit of lava on a whim.

But I’m also pretty sure he’d bring me back afterward?

Am I crazy? I must be crazy, this is the kind of thing a crazy person does. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself for eternity?

Help me,

Starstruck

 

Dear Starstruck,

It sounds to me like you are well on your way to becoming an evil undead overlord with an army of zombies of your very own. Congratulations on taking the first few steps. There are a few things you should know about.

First of all, when you have been dead for a long time, yes, your ability to feel can become deadened but your loyalties will often remain the same. There is an effect I have been studying. A little colleague of mine once referred to it as the “life pause.” Often, when you die, your emotions become stuck to varying degrees in the places that they were at the time you died and it can often take time to work past that if you ever do.

There is a slim chance you are one of those beings that this skeletal overlord has developed a fondness for. Such things do exist. For example, I have a certain soft spot for an orc who sends me bones once in a while as well as one for a fallen paladin and one for my three rats, Illium, Ischium and Pubis.

I would not characterize these feelings as romantic in any capacity, however.

That said, were one of them to make an advance or declare such feelings for me I would not bear a grudge or hold it against them.

What I would advise is taking a step back to assess your feelings. Are you comfortable with the idea of receiving an “okay” as a response rather than an “I feel the same way”? Do you love him in a way that demands to be returned, or do you love him in a way that you simply feel, are at peace with, and wish for him to be aware of?

If it is the latter, tell him.

If it is the former, consider whether it’s really love or if you simply want to possess him and find a way to work through that.

Best of luck,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Hail Maxillae,

Its your loyal death knight Diedrich here, just thought I’d give you an old update on on my mission, been going round graveyards to see who’s willing to recruit before simply casting animate dead, found a few wights and rogue vampire spawn who would be delighted in joining you in your mighty army of undeath. The vampire spawn is especially eager as they’re running from a vampire hunter who offed their master. Now I couldn’t just send them with a vampire hunter on their trail so I’ve been working on throwing the hunter off their tracks and leading him to me waiting in an ambush, therefore more minions for you and one less undead slayer to get a migraine over.

Oh, what should I do with the vampire hunters head? Raise it as a flame skull?

Your chum and faithful servant,

Diedrich

P.S. I’m really enjoying being a death knight more then a paladin

 

Dear Diedrich,

Raising it as a flameskull is a fantastic idea, you should do that. Also, I would like for you to keep those zombies, I think you’re coming into your own quite swimmingly and the time has come for you to begin building your own undead army. Or at the very least your own undead squadron to begin with.

I will be sending along a few missives regarding how to best train and use them and I’d like to see you overthrow a hamlet before the end of May. I’m looking forward to seeing your progress.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

Watch Kenna and her companions deal with the beholder who betrayed their friendship!

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