Speak With Dead #21: I Love a Good ‘Fall From Grace’ Story

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

My friends are being quite rude in regards to my own necromantic magic. They keep calling me a “bad seed” for raising a small army of the dead. Really it’s just two skeletons from the first two dead foes but the extra assistance is always welcomed up until we get to the campfire, then there is always the grumbling from our party’s paladin who certainly didn’t complain about it during the fight. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

Are you very sure everyone else is on his side? You keep saying ‘they’ and using friends plural, but if the paladin is the only one saying anything perhaps his self-righteous behavior is a decent leverage to pry him away from the rest of the party?

My advice would be to start with the rogue, if you have one. I’ve found you groups of adventurers usually do. Anyway, paladins tend to have a nasty little habit of tsking whenever thieves go a-stealing so touch base with this person. Make sure the paladin knows when they start stealing things and after the lecture, strike up a conversation about it. Commiserate a little. And yes, go drinking with the rogue, another thing adventurers do a lot of is drink together and it is apparently an important bonding ritual among most of them.

Once you have the rogue, you’ll be able to move on to a fighter or a barbarian if you have one, if not at that point I’m sure you’ll have paid enough attention to the paladin’s nagging to know who the next target should be.

Happy Hunting,

Maxillae the Mad

Dear Maxillae the Mad

I was until recently a human paladin. My name is Diedrich. I got seduced by a demon, broke my vows and killed my friends to get some kinky demon sex but I forgot demons like to lie to get what they want. You’d think as a paladin I would have thought of that, but under the circumstances I was probably charmed.

Anyway I died in disgrace so now I’m a death knight currently unemployed and I’m wondering if you’d be interested in adding me to your horde.

I’m very good at killing things; you can conjure the spirits of my former party members if you need a reference. They should suffice since, ya know, I killed them.

Yours Hopefully,

Diedrich the paladin Death Knight

 

Dear Diedrich,

Nothing makes me happier than a good fall from grace story. Please, come to me, and if that demon gives you any more trouble I’d be glad to deal with her on your behalf. You have a place at my table along with the other living dead I’ve acquired that still ride the more sentient end of the spectrum. I will listen to your advice and give my own counsel should you require it.

On the other side of this coin, however, is that should you come to me you do it with the awareness that I am intolerant of betrayal. I am no demon to lie to get my way and I will take no demonic interference as an excuse. You are free to leave whenever you like, but if you stab me in the back like you did your friends I will snuff the will out of you like one of your prayer candles from so long ago.

Also, there are benefits, including an amazing dental plan. Welcome to the family, Diedrich.

Fondly,

Maxillae the Mad

 

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

Heh…… I have a question for you.. Why don’t you leave necromancy to a REAL necromancer?

-Releloth

 

Dear Releloth,

Show me a real necromancer and I might consider doing so.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

P.S. Keep your hands off of my play things.

 

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