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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #20: Friends in Dark Places

Speak With Dead #20: Friends in Dark Places

Speak With Dead #19: Opera Ghost
Speak With Dead #21: I Love a Good 'Fall From Grace' Story

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Maxillae,

speak with dead necromancer

A glabrezu as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

I admire your time management skills.  I find that I have so little time for all the schemes that I have planned, and evil that I want to unleash on the planes.

My associates say that becoming romantically involved with someone might help me have an extra set of hands (so to speak), as well as someone to trust. But, I’m not sure if they’re just trying to derail me, or if it really would be a good idea.

I’ve tried having minions in the past, but they proved unreliable and had to be destroyed for their impertinence or failures (sometimes even killed by do-gooders).

Your words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Random pseudonym for a busy Glabrezu

 

 

Dear Glabrezu,

Romance is quite a sticky venture, occasionally in multiple ways, particularly if the entity you’re seeing is from one of the planes more inclined toward oozing and tentacles. There is absolutely no need to get romantic in order to have a competent business partner.

The problem with minions is that you treat them like the hired help. I can see where your friend might be going with this; people have been using marriage pacts to secure their power base for thousands of years. If this is what you’re considering, I endorse the action. A marriage pact is much more difficult to get out of and burn to the ground than, say, a whirlwind romance.

You will be far more rational about someone you do not have feelings for than you will about someone you do. So my best advice is this: if it happens to come along, seize it, because you never know when such an encounter will be possible again. That said? Keep your business and criminal ventures separate until you are very sure you are in for something long term.

Create a network of other savvy villains — why hello, coincidentally my name is Maxillae and I happen to be in the biz myself — and combine your forces to vanquish your enemies.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Mistress Maxillae,

Thank you so much for your kind wisdom.

I managed to…secure… the services of a dwarf cleric who was… receptive… to assisting me in my research. Through some complex questioning we determined that the entity possessing my corpses was a loumara who had previously served a half-elf known as Erik. He was apparently a composer of great renown and traveled beyond the material plane recently.

Would this be the Erik you are searching for? If so, I can send the loumara in your direction. It desires assistance from a more experienced necromancer.

Also, do you have any suggestions for dealing with a permanently charmed dwarf?

With greatest appreciation and respect,
Still a little confused Journeyman

 

Dear Journeyman,

That is most excellent, and yes, that is precisely the Erik for whom I was looking do please send your loumara my way. Although I am more interested in his renowned abilities as an architect, it is rather exciting to finally have a lead on tracking this man down. I guess you could say I’m a phan of his.

Now friend, it seems to me as though this permanently charmed dwarf is more of an opportunity than a situation requiring dealt with. My best advice on this front is to treat the dwarf well. Keep them close and every once in a while throw them a bone, it will save you the trouble of having to hijack another one in the future. Clerics can be incredibly useful, after all, provided they do not slip the chain, and if it does, well. A little bit of kindness goes a long way with those virtuous types.

Best of luck,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Salutation’s Maxillae,

I am known to many as the Wanderer, however you may call me “Nilrem”… I am extremely old and have walked the planes of time to see all the major and minor changes to the worlds and even bearing witness to many gods fall while others rise. As a true necromancer it has come to my attention that many of the spells the elder’s left are…lacking.

I have come up with a few that would help those upstarts and even Noble Job’s that even a church/society would accept our unique talents for with fair pay. From one fellow caster of the art, what were your first choices for spells…aside that of “Speaking with the Dead”?

 

Dear “Nilrem”,

“Nilrem” huh? Suuuure…now look into the eyes of the dragon and despair! [Nicol Williamson in Excalibur ftw]

Let me begin by saying what an honor it is to have your correspondence, hail and welcome.

Now on the matter of favored spells, I must confess I use a mesh of traditional arcane magic and something far more akin to artifice in my daily doings. That is to say, the vast majority of what I do is a process rather than a matter of direct casting. That said, I am very fond of finger of death, as it lets you maintain the zombie left behind and is simply the best way for a direct caster to raise a family.

I do have a few spells of my own design, of course, and as much as I would like to go on about them at length it would make for a very dry read to those with less…magically inclined minds. Perhaps further discourse on the matter would prove mutually beneficial?

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

2 Comments

  • Releloth
    January 3, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    Heh…… I have a question for you.. Why don’t you leave necromancy to a REAL necromancer?

  • Niandris Pharazan
    January 3, 2018 at 6:04 pm

    Dear Maxillae the Mad,

    Without going into too much detail, I find myself in desperate need of some quick power. The church won’t have me, and I tried wizard studies but simply no longer have the time necessary for such things. I have heard of powerful entities being able to grant powers to those willing to “make a deal”. I have reached that point. Maxillae, would you be my patron? Or matron? I’m not entirely sure of the proper terminology in this matter.

    Your humble servant,
    Niandris Pharazan

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