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Speak With Dead #09: Zombie Animals

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I admire your efforts here, and your necromantic work as well. I wish I could follow in your footsteps. Unfortunately, I am in no way magically inclined. I’ve tried various processes, such as asking gods for power, making deals with demons, and even studying, but the gods didn’t listen, the demons got annoyed with me, and the books didn’t help. I’ve looked into alchemical solutions to my problem, but there isn’t much documentation on the subject. Could you give me some personal insight?

Signed,
Necromance-If-You-Want-To

Dear Necromance-If-You-Want-To

Allow me a bit of an anachronistic reference from my contact’s world: I have such sights to show you.

Many spellcasters look down their noses at the sciences as an alternative to magic in cases such as this, but frankly I am of the camp that believes whatever you need to do to get the job done is the right way to do it for you. Unfortunately, the method you are looking into is going to require a lot of study.

Start learning about bodies. My best advice for this is to wait until someone dies, and quietly steal in in the dead of night and exhume the body so that you can dissect it. People are likely to be much less disturbed if you begin your study on animals, but if what you want to do is raise human corpses there is no substitute. However, I also acknowledge that fresh human bodies can be difficult to come by.

So. Give me a moment to sequester my familiars so they do not read this over my shoulder. Ahem. So. Go and catch some rats. Do some dissections, do some vivisections, learn how they work. Poke at their brains and figure out what parts cause what motions. That is going to be the biggest part of learning to manipulate them, applying the right force to the nervous system to cause them to move is an entirely other set of skills but if you are determined I’ve no doubt you’ll manage.

Find a gnome. Gnomes are absolutely bar none the best at artifice and one of them is likely to show you how to apply small electric stimuli directly to the brain. This is complex and it is going to take you time to figure out how to manage it, but I believe in you. Do feel free to engage in further correspondence with me.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

P.S. If you are living with other family members try not to let them find your corpses, apparently that tends to make “normal” people feel uneasy.

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

Question: What does a vegan zombie say?

Answer: “Graaaaaaainnns”

Signed,

Tom F’lary

P.S. I spoke to the spirit bound to my spell book as you suggested. Turns out he is a nice guy that is a fan of simple jokes and slapstick humor. Granted his jokes tend to be getting darker as time goes on, and I don’t get how the punchline of stealing souls of the living works for so many jokes. But that’s okay because most of the time he only whispers them to me in my sleep, right?

 

Dear Tom F’Lary,

Don’t you know it’s dangerous to make a decrepit crypt dweller laugh so hard? I might literally lose a lung that way you know.

I am glad to hear you’ve managed to work something out with your lingering spirit. He sounds like a gravely delightful chap, with many vibrant hobbies. Stealing souls can be refreshing, after all, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Still, seeing such a healthy relationship blossoming between a soul-stealing grimoire and its bearer fills my desiccated heart with joy. I wish you both all the best.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

#Speak With Dead

Should I raise my sister’s horse for her to use or should I raise it so I can take it adventuring.  Honestly she’d love to have him back and he’d never quit on her again, but dang do I really hate walking.

 

#HorseRaiser

I’m getting the feeling that your sister had a relationship with this horse that involved its thoughts and personality rather than what it could do for her. Unfortunately, as you likely know, raising the horse will strip it of those things.

If you do raise it to take it adventuring perhaps do not let her see that you’ve done it. Perhaps do not let her see that you’ve done it anyway. Let me tell you a story from the folly of my youth when my grandfather passed away. My grandmother missed him quite dearly and I was only beginning to learn to raise zombies and I brought him back from the dead as a favor to her. She was…not happy.

Honestly I’ve never seen a woman that old scream so hard before. Up until she stopped. Her resulting zombie would scream like that sometimes too, but from what I can tell they are happy together in death. Sometimes their hands fall off and I find them clasped together and have to detangle them for reattachment.

The moral of this tale is that ordinary people typically do not like it when you present them with their loved ones. It is not worth it.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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