Speak With Dead #08: Hellspawn

 

Dear Readers,

 

My sincerest apologies for my tardiness. I am aware you were expecting my latest Speak with Dead transmission this previous “Thursday” as it were, but I have found myself in a bit of a quandary as four plucky adventurers entered my crypt in an attempt to slay me for some sundry “crimes against humanity.” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t listening to the whole thing; these tirades tend to be very similar once you’ve heard them enough.

Fear not, I managed to dispatch them fairly easily and should be back to my regular activities shortly. On an unrelated note, however, I have four new zombies to acclimate to my horde now. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Braaaaainsssss….]

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

The necromancer with the answer is here to Speak with Dead

Dear Maxillae the Mad,
I think my cat might be a malevolent being. I occasionally get these weird, seemingly prophetic nightmares, and every time I wake up from one, my cat is nearby. Should I be concerned or is this just normal behavior for cats?
Signed,
Pet-Seminary

 

Dear Pet Seminary,

Do not mistake correlation for causation. Here are some interesting facts about cats:

Cats are more aware of the spirit world than most creatures and are very likely to be aware of it when something paranormal is going on. That is because all cats are all mercenary hellspawn. Even your precious familiar. It loves on you because you feed it and if you ceased to do so, and if your cat had the power necessary, it would not hesitate to eat you.

If you see a cat staring into an empty corner that corner is probably not empty.

This, by the way, is why I keep rats, and only three of them, and why I promote competition between them. They will never attain enough skill to overpower me individually and Illium, Ischium and Pubis are far too salty about one another to work together long enough to accomplish it.

I do not mean to alarm you, but you should know that while this is probably not your cat’s fault, it is very likely something to be concerned about and you should go visit your local hedge wizard as soon as possible to get checked for spiritually transcendent disasters.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

Okay so like 20 years ago I got pretty adventurous and went on a few dates with monster ladies, had some fun and moved on with my life. I’m now married and have a wife and child but I’ve gotten several letters from my former lovers letting me know I have several half-monster children and some of which are coming to visit. Now my wife understands my past and it was my adventurous youth but how do I tell her that many of my children are responsible for several deaths and murders?

Yours respectfully

Dominic the Virile

 

Dear Dominic the Virile,

You don’t. It is not your place to out your children for their evil behavior, as evil deeds are a very personal thing and should only ever be admitted to by the person who committed them. Consider that it may not be your wife’s business how many people your other children have and have not killed.

If you feel it is absolutely necessary to inform her ahead of time, perhaps it would be best just to come out and say it. After all, you were involved in some odd deeds of your own at one point or another.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

#SpeakWithDead,

An aspiring necromancer/lich here, and I just need to ask, do you have any advice on what I should make my phylactery? Any interesting or funny stories concerning this either?

 

#AspiringLich

A phylactery is a very important and personal choice for any lich-in-progress to make. You want it to be something ornate enough that you are not ashamed of it, but common enough that it is not obviously a phylactery at a glance. Consider perhaps the clasp of a book, and then hide that book in your library, or maybe one of a pair of earrings.

The trick is to make it something unique enough that you will remember what it is (I hear you can feel which one is yours but I have not yet taken the final step into undeath) but not so unique that every adventurer trying to kill you will know what it is.

I know a guy who fashioned his phylactery out of a glass bottle. That was a particularly stupid move for obvious reasons because of how fragile it is. You know what is very difficult to break? A diamond. Choose something durable, you will thank yourself for it.

Also acknowledge this will be the home of a piece of your soul so do not leave yourself in anything you would not want to spend a lot of time in.

I did hear a story once about a powerful wizard who created a phylactery out of a young baby. Unfortunately, the baby took his nose and then grew up to kill him later. I’m not entirely certain of the specifics, until that point it was my understanding that this was not how the “got your nose” game worked, but it is what it is.

Best of Luck to You,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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