Dr. Benard Finklestien’s Catalog of Quality of Life Improvements

One of the easiest ways to add some fun and spice to gameplay is to create dynamic and mysterious NPCs and maybe add some fun items. Easy items to add would be minor but interesting items that just improve the adventurer’s quality of life, like a magnifying glass for example. You would not want anything game breaking or changing, but instead something simple that adds to the gameplay.

Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq.

One of the characters my husband and I have developed is a tinker gnome by the name of Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq. This gnome has a catalog that characters in our games can come across by chance and order one item from it in a given duration. The idea of a random fun encounter makes for an exciting break in dungeoneering and fighting mechanics. This also allows for even more roleplaying opportunities. The idea of only one item per catalog and one lifetime order is so characters are not covered in gadgets and gizmos.

Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq. is rumored to live somewhere near the Underdark. He does not have a shop or storefront and characters must send their requests by catalog. Once the order is placed by writing on the order form in the catalog, the catalog burns itself up and in a specified time the item is delivered to the player. Of course, characters have tried to find Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq. but he is particularly hard to find. I am not saying it is impossible, just very unlikely. He has also been in business for quite some time so his system is without a doubt quite efficient.

One may ask, “Why is Dr. Benard Finklestien an esquire?” The answer is quite simple — when inventing gadgets and gizmos for quality of life improvements one cannot be too careful to avoid legal allegations. Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq. perhaps learned the hard way and now writes his own contracts and limited liability warranties. Of course, it is very rare for customers to have any complaints. All they have to do is read the instructions, and many of the items are quite simple.

Catalog Best Sellers

Finklestien’s Miraculous Ascender

Ever wonder what to do with that 50 foot rope? Well, Dr. Benard Finklestien has just the item for you — Finklestien’s Miraculous Ascender! This belt wraps the rope neatly inside so you do not have to worry about making sure your rope does not get in the way or get tangled. The belt looks like it just has a couple of gears and a crank. To extend the belt you just push down on the front lever and pull the amount of rope needed out. To put the rope back in you use the crank on the side to wind the rope back into the belt. There is also another feature to this marvelous invention — it has a pull-up crank in the front the wearer can use as a cranking grappling hook. Please note it does take two hands to crank, and the grappling hook attachment must be fixed on the rope prior to climbing.

Instructions: Fasten belt tightly around waist and clothing with securing pins. To extend the rope press down the side release button on the right side and firmly pull the rope from either end side of the belt. To wind the rope up, use the crank on the left side going forward first. To use as a grappling hook purchase the Miraculous Ascender Grappling Pack. When using the grappling hook, release the rope from both sides and tie ropes onto the grappling hook in a secure knot. Grapnel and then fold out the center crank, and begin cranking in a forward motion as you would when winding the rope up. To go the opposite direction crank back to the body and downwardsn.

Pixie Shaker

Late-night reader? Try Dr. Benard Finklestien’s Pixie Shaker. This necklace has a small vial that emits a soft glow when you shake it. The instructions state you only need to shake the Pikie Shaker for 5-10 seconds. If you shake it longer than the directions, the necklace may no longer be operable. The container appears to be some form of super-hard glass and claims to be break resistant. The illumination from the Pixie Shaker can vary in color and there are no color requests taken. The Pixie Shaker produces enough light for a personal lamp but does not extend past a 2-foot cone from the necklace. If you look into the vial all you see is colorful light particles. Wonder what is in there… Could it really be pixies?

Instructions: Can be placed around the neck, held or placed on the surface. Shake 5-10 seconds for light to emit. Nothing more, or object may no longer work.

Underdweller’s Specs

These glorious specs come with several different lenses the wearer can sift through for various needs. The standard set of Underdweller’s Specs comes with a lens set that slightly magnifies things so wearers can see just slightly better up close. Another lens set on the standard model is a transitional lens that works to shield eyes from bright lights. It will not counteract sudden light changes but works wonders if an Underdark or subterranean dweller is traveling in bright environments. The final lens on the standard Underdweller’s Specs is an amber-colored lens set that helps brighten darker areas and blocks harmful lights from the eyes. The amber lens also helps slightly with overcast or lightly foggy areas. Each of the three lens sets is activated by a little push of a small lever on the sides of the specs. It is possible for the weather to have two sets of the three on at one time. Of course, there are add-on packages of lens sets one can purchase like the super magnifying lenses at an additional cost. It is rumored this was Dr. Benard Finklestien’s first invention that he made for himself, as he does not like the natural light of the sun.

Instructions: Can use two lens sets at one time. Simply flip, pressing down on sides and then flip up on both sides on the small extended frame.

SKUBA (Secured Kraken Underwater Breathing Assistor)

This strange contraption is said to increase your underwater breathing to 30 minutes one time a day. After one use in a day the tank must fill back up in a full duration of a day’s time. The SKUBA does not have many specs listed in its description. However, there is an image depicting a circular mask with a small hose and sealed pack. There are large eye sockets sticking out from the mask about two inches giving the wearer a little extra room for the eyes. Directions state to never tinker with the mechanisms as this will break the device. The device is also listed as an experimental phase and underwater air use varies from species to species.

Instructions: Remove the cap from the inside tube into the helmet and then place it on the head. Secure chin straps and make sure the head is fitted appropriately before going underwater. Estimate underwater breathing assistance is 30 minutes depending on physical condition and species.

The Gilded Homunculus

The most expensive item in the catalog is a small pint-sized Homunculus to carry all of your coins and goods. The Gilded Homunculus comes with a small backpack that works like a bag of holding. The catch is you have to feed your Gilded Homunculus, and your homunculus eats a lot. Gilded Homunculi are dull gold when they are neutral. When hungry they look almost brown, and when they are well fed and happy they will turn bright gold. It is most important to keep your Gilded Homunculus well fed as if you do not the homunculus will leave, taking anything in the pack with it. The Gilded Homunculus is an interdimensional creature, so you do not have to worry about it being in any form of danger. Anytime your homunculus senses danger it will teleport into its dimension of origins or home so to say. If you are in a state where your homunculus feels threatened it will stay until called for. You can call your homunculus and it will pick up your treasure and go back until it is safe. Of course, Dr. Benard Finklestien Esq. is not responsible for any missing items when using a Gilded Homunculus.

Instructions: Your Gilded Homunculus is named Steve. You need to feed Steve 27 times a day or more. Steve will turn bright gold if you are feeding Steve enough. Steve likes fish and acorns. To place items in bag command is “Acquire Treasure” and then the name of the object. To call Steve say “Steve Appear.” Not responsible for lost items.

Refunds/Exchanges/Substitutions/Legal Liability

Sadly there are no refunds or returns with any of the items from Dr. Benard Finklestien’s Catalog of Quality of Life Improvements. You will notice the terms are non-negotiable and legally binding if you read the order form prior to placing your order. The seller is not liable for any damage, bodily harm, or death that may or may not result in the use of these simple items. All items come with use and care instructions. These instructions must be followed or negative results may happen.

[NERDITOR’S NOTE: Nerdarchists Dave and Ted created a gnome tinkerer in their shared campaign world and Sparks has found his way into various Nerdarchy projects like the long running Scarlet Sisterhood campaign and Secrets of the Vault: Friend or Foe, which is filled with new NPCs and creatures to expand your campaign setting and challenge your 5th Edition heroes. We frequently create new content for Dungeon Masters and players to drop right into games in Nerdarchy the Newsletter and when you sign up you’ll also get several gifts including $9.99 in store credit so you can add Secrets of the Vault: Friend or Foe or whatever you like there to your own collection.]

*Featured image — The writer’s husband provided this illustration of Dr. Benard Finklestien. [Art by Bearded Lion]

New videos every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Nerdarchy the YouTube channel here