Speak With Dead #14: A Ghost, an Orc and a Paladin Walk Into a Bar…
Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!
Dear Maxillae The Mad,
A ghost as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]
Signed,
Danger-Sixth-Sense
Dear Danger-Sixth-Sense,
The surest way to ensure that you are, in fact, dead, is to kill yourself and if you don’t die you know you were dead all along. However, I’m certain that you don’t want that. You sound as though you should thoroughly like to still be alive.
You could always attempt to enter a church, but if you are in fact undead and the deity is particularly against such things this carries the mild risk of bursting into flame upon attempting it. That may not be the best solution for you either on the off chance that you decide to keep your unlife.
My best advice in this instance, then, is to approach one of your friends directly. Get right up in their face so that they cannot ignore you. If they look at you and move on, then they are simply being dungholes and you need to make some new friends. If they look right through you, you are probably dead. If their eyes widen, they scream, and run away, you are definitely dead.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
DEAR MAXILLAE THE MAD,
ENCLOSED IS SKULL OF TWO-FANG THE STRONG. WHEN I DECAPITATED, I THINK, “WOULD MAKE FOR GOOD GOBLET!” AND THEN THINK – MAYBE NECROMANCER FRIEND COULD USE SKULL GOBLET!
HAVE CLEANED AS BEST AS I CAN AND USE MIXTURE TO SEAL HOLE WHERE SPINE WAS. HOPE IT SURVIVED MAIL. TOLD POST MAN THAT IF HE BROKE, I WOULD MAKE HIM SKULL NEXT GOBLET.
ALSO. KILLED ELVISH SUMMONER WHO WAS ATTACKING STRONGHOLD, BIG CROW (OR RAVEN? ME NOT SURE) NOW FOLLOWING ME AROUND. KEEPS SAYING FAMILIAR. TOO SMALL TO EAT, TOO HELPFUL TO KILL. ADVICE PLEASE?
YOURS STRONGLY,
URGLUK ROH THE BRAVE, SON OF ORLOK THE STRONG
Dear Urgluk,
Thank you for the lovely goblet. Your seal has worked perfectly and there was a minimal amount of meat and hair still attached to the bone. I have since boiled it and bleached it to my liking as such a thing would be a pity to waste. Please do not make such a gesture again.
If the bird is speaking to you it is likely a raven, they are known to be capable of quite extensive vocabularies. If the bird is being helpful to you I would advise you keep it and treat it very well, although I highly doubt it is a true familiar as such a creature would have been banished to its own plane upon the death of its master. More than likely it is just a very intelligent raven that enjoys messing with you. That in itself can have its own charms.
Do enjoy your clever bird. Feed it from your own plate. They do become very loyal creatures.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Necromancer
A lich as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]
And now I come to you with a plea, as the undead population in Duskmire has sharply risen due to “an unknown necromancer.” I plead you to leave the city alone. In trade I offer myself, a paladin of Solar. Is this an agreeable arrangement for the lives of my family and friends? If so, where shall I meet you?
Sincerely,
Prince Silas Stormglade, Former Paladin of Solar.
Dear Silas Stormglade,
No, my dear, you were a fool to call me scum and look down your nose at me while you were asking for my aid. You would think a prince would have better manners than that, would have learned better tact than that. But it’s amazing how the slaughter of a few dozen villagers can change the tune of the high and mighty.
You will not be necessary. Holy men leave a foul taste in my mouth anyway. Simply bring me the bodies of those already slain and the rest of my horde will withdraw from you, and try to remember a degree of basic dignity the next time you require aid from something ancient, magical and potentially somewhat wicked.
Leave them at the bottleneck of the mountain pass. I will not be there. I will come to collect them later. As you can see, I am not stupid and will not be leaving myself open to be stricken down by someone that I’ve slighted. Consider this, too, a lesson, my prince, and let your Duskmire grow stronger from it.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
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Cyrian Darkshard
October 26, 2017 at 11:46 amDear Maxillae the mad,
I am an enthusiast of the dark arts, and have found your words inspirational.
I am planning an attack on a powerful group of adventurers, and need assistance deciding what type of undead to use. The party consists of a goliath barbarian, an aasimar warlock, a Naga monk, and an elf ranger. They are powerful, and have overcome my previous attempts to defeat them (including a warlock friend of mine and a tree blight). Your advice on defeating them?
Sincerely, Cyrian Darkshard, necromancer extraordinaire.
Eric W.
October 26, 2017 at 11:49 amDear Maxillae,
My girlfriend says that I spend too much time counting my coins. Additionally, she says that she believes that I value my coins more than I value her. I thought that I’d come up with a fool proof way of well. fooling her. I told her that I must have been cursed to horde and count my coins at every opportunity. Obviously, I couldn’t pay someone to remove the curse, because that would require me to separate myself from some of my coins. She unfortunately stole some of my coins (or maybe used some of her own, she is wealthy in her own right) and paid a do-gooder cleric to try and remove my ‘curse’. Now she’s given me an ultimatum, her or the ‘horde’. What do you think I should do? Finding suitable females is very difficult for me, and I thought I’d found ‘the one’ before her jealousy revealed itself.
patiently (even if she isn’t),
Definitely Not A Dragon
Eric W.
November 3, 2017 at 12:14 pmDear Maxillae,
My wife and I met a few years ago and bonded over our mutual mind control of a good cleric. She is a erinyes who is highly motivated to move up the fiendish hierarchy, and I am an Illithid wizard. We both enjoyed our telepathic conversations and helped each other with our respective schemes. In a rush to strengthen our alliance, we had said cleric perform a binding marriage ceremony for us. But, now that she understands that my species does not procreate in normal humanoid fashion, she wants to “move on”. I’ve offered to use magic jar to possess a more suitable body, or polymorph into a lesser form as well. Since my mind and personality would still be present during our love making, I’d assumed this would be acceptable to her. But, these aren’t acceptable alternatives to her for what ever reason she has neglected to share with me. The problem that I have is that she believes that our wedding vows bind us ‘until death do us part’, which has led to some explosive confrontations. My question for you, a practitioner of the dark arts, is this: do necromancers keep records of their undead minions previous lives? When the good cleric was slain, I traded his body to a local necromancer for a tasty scholarly snack, but now I would like to possibly reincarnate or raise the cleric and get clarification to the exact wording of our vows and discuss with him nuances and shades of meaning to our vows. I’m afraid I wouldn’t recognize the cleric if he was alive (lesser beings look so much alike to me), much less in whatever current form he is in.
Any help or advice that you can lend would be appreciated,
Xlephtic