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Speak With Dead #05: In the Spirit of Good Counsel

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

My dear uncle passed away a fortnight ago and left his estate split between myself and two other cousins as he had no children himself. I received among other things a framed portrait of a beautiful woman that had been hanging in his personal study. No idea who she is but it is a beautiful painting.

However, since receiving said painting, this woman has started appearing in my dreams and at night when I’m woken I can hear a woman screaming outside my house. Three days ago my chickens were dead. Two days ago, some wild dogs. This morning I found two men dressed in black dead on my front porch whom I took to be attempted burglars. Their faces were twisted in silent screams of horror.

Do I get rid of the painting? I feel there’s a spirit at unrest but at the same time she has shown me no harm or ill will aside from lack of sleep and walking my dreams.

Please help!

Yours,

Restless Dreaming

 

Dear Restless,

Such behavior in spirits is often indicative of a cry for help. My best advice to start is to try and figure out who this woman was in life and what she is so upset about. I understand that a restless ghost can often feel like an unwanted house guest, but like most house guests rest assured she likely does not mean you any harm or she certainly would have caused it already.

This woman has aided you. She has harmed you as well, but she has protected your homestead and it is more than possible that the slaughter of your chickens was the process of a dead being learning.

Ask her what she would have you do, the next time you are dreaming. Her answer might surprise you.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

DEAR SIR OR MADAM

I am the former adviser of Liirastus – true heir to the throne of the elves – who was displaced during a militarized coup. Your name was found among King Liirastus’ records as a trustworthy person, and so I am messaging you to request your assistance.

With the overtaking of the throne, King Liirastus suspects the new king will discover his wealth and leave him with nothing. As a result, we are trying to move the money safely and quickly to get it away from the false king before he discovers it. If you are willing to help we are willing to give you a sizable chunk of his wealth for your assistance.

We require a loan of 2500 gold coins to begin the moving process to ensure that the funds are transferred safely and quietly, and in return for your help we are willing to reimburse you with 500,000 gold coins after the treasures are moved.

If you are interested, please reply directly to me.

Thank you and Corellon’s grace be upon you,
Sirithanus

 

Dear Sirithanus,

If your Liirastus’s records consider me to be a trustworthy person then he is clearly not a rational enough being to be trusted with governing a kingdom and should likely rethink those he keeps around him. Let me tell you what. I cannot offer you any sum of gold, all of my funds are currently tied up in a Sethian pyramid scheme. I’m told the location will be a wonderful spot from which to watch celestial events when they’ve finished.

However, if you would like, I do have a lot of extra space in my keep as my vast zombie horde to not require beds to sleep in, or sleep for that matter. If you’d like, I can put you up for a few weeks—or possibly a restless eternity.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Our bound mail imps are getting a little lax in their duties. We’ll get right on that, Maxillae! In the meantime, keep in mind that a zombified editor can’t provide the appropriate care and attention to your missives.]

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,
As a vampire, I often find myself living in a small amount of fear from necromancers. Their ability to possibly control even sentient undead like myself is concerning. What are your thoughts in regards to the matter? At that point, isn’t it essentially slavery? How would you suggest I protect myself against those that would take such measures?
Signed,
Vamp-I-Not-A-Man?

 

Dear Vamp-I-Not-A-Man,

You are not only at an advantage with dealing with my power to overthrow you, but can choose to do so at least three times a day. If I try to overthrow you that many times, and you aren’t smart enough to run by then, that is hardly my fault.

Additionally, I’ve found your kind to be quite capable of charming mortals and putting them under your sway. I fail to see how that is any different. I’m sure you’re ready to come back at me with some flimsy defense like “they can try to escape me again,” but the same is true of you.

If you expect a mortal to trust you enough not to charm them when they are around you, then you should trust a necromancer with the same courtesy. However, a vampire is a vampire and does what comes naturally and the same is true for those in my trade so I would find such a course of action to be ill-advised at best.

However, should you like to discuss the matter with me at a later date, I’ll be waiting at my keep with my horde of shambling zombies. Please, come and have discourse with me. You’re invited.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

As a student of the lore that drives all magic, I have endeavored to try a bit of everything. This has made it possible to learn everything from the ancient Laughing Skull of Xanthos, to the Heaven’s Purging Light of Gladeon. All sorts of alternatives to your classic flaming sphere and Aganazzar’s Scorcher (to use the above examples) are available.

Now in my pursuit of becoming a master of lore, I had dabbled in Necromancy, as one should never shy away from any kind of research. The problem is, what I summoned seems to be a malicious invisible spirit that delights in tossing my spell book pages around like so much detritus. It even likes to turn the page when I am in the middle of memorizing my spells for the day, much to the surprise of some villagers when my summoning cold to put out a fire actually summoned a foul smelling gas. All attempts to excise the spirit have failed up to this point.

My question to you is, is there a way to appease the spirit? If not, is there another way to deal with this nasty spirit?

Signed,

Tom F’Lary; Aspiring Loremaster

 

Dear Tom,

First, let me commend you on your open minded willingness to research the most noble of spell schools. Most casters that refuse to declare a major shy away from such things, and you have taken a step in the right direction. However, dabbling of any sort is always a danger as you can end up with — as you have — a sticky situation or two without the proper knowledge to handle such a thing.

Have you considered this might be a companion of yours using mage hand to, as the kids say, “mess with you”? Or perhaps that is simply what the spirit wants to begin with. Either way, my advice would be to ask it what it wants and deal with the entity on its own terms. Often such acting out is a cry for attention and negative attention is better than none.

Of course this could also be a good excuse for you to delve a little farther into necromancy as a casting school; the more you know the more you will be capable of handling and it does so seem that you are the kind of person that wants to gather as much knowledge as possible in any way. Necessity is the bedraggled single parent of learning, after all.

I am quite interested in hearing what your spirit has to say. Please follow up if you can.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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