[Editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the mission or views of Nerdarchy.]
WARNING: A rant on movies is forthcoming
So, with all the problems Warner Brothers has with their DC Extended Universe films, they make a better than average movie in “Wonder Woman” and then decide that their problems are cured (even though “Justice League” is a mess, “The Batman” is up in the air, and “The Flash” is like a ghost story – people are afraid of it even though there’s no proof of its existence.)
Now, these morons (I mean that with all the love and care in the respect in the world) want to start pumping three to four of these monstrosities out at us per year.
Film industry criticism starts with the movies themselves
Just like Michael Bay said that he doesn’t care if fans complain about his Transformers movies because people will go to see them regardless, DC clearly feels the same way. I feel that, for the most part, we’re coming to the end of the days where producers care about making great films anymore.
“They love to hate, and I don’t care; let them hate. They’re still going to see the movie! I think it’s good to get a little tension. Very good. I used to get bothered by it. But I think it’s good to get the dialogue going. It makes me think, and it keeps me on my toes, so it’s good.” – Michael Bay, speaking to MTV News in Hong Kong in 2014 about his relationship with fans after the release of “Transformers: Age of Extinction”
“Ghostbusters,” “The Wall,” “Gods of Egypt,” even “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” – we’re just getting a lot of cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all films. I think it’s time we actually started boycotting these films as a whole. We can’t all be that desperate to sit in a crowded movie theater eating overpriced food and candy, sitting through fifteen minutes or more of commercials and playing cheesy quiz games for literal peanuts.
But the reboots continue. We’re going to keep getting “Underworld” sequels, “Resident Evil” reboots, “Ring versus The Grudge” battles that no one asked for and even fewer people were satisfied with and yes, I’m talking about the Japanese version.
DC Comics’ Nightwing. [Image by John Gallagher/uncannyknack on deviantart.com]
“Fifty Shades” will keep getting darker, The LEGO Movies, you liked that? Well prepare for six more, and since that “LEGO Batman” worked so well, why don’t you try a live-action “Nightwing” movie, because why not?
Did you like that last “X-Men” movie? No? Well, too bad, because we’re going to throw another one at you. Did you like the last “Logan” movie? Cool, because you get no more of those because it took so long for them to get it right that the actor is tired of making those movies, he’s about ready to retire.
But don’t worry, we’ll just give you another “Fantastic Four” film, this time we’ll make it kid friendly.
I couldn’t make this crap up, guys.
How about Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” film? Would you like a live action version that is subpar to the animated classic featuring Hermione Granger singing off-key? No? Too bad, suckers, because you know that if we put it on the screen then you’ll pay to see it. Want proof? The ticket stub is still in your pocket.
That’s what they’re going to keep doing.
So, we’ll just keep making “Fast & Furious” movies where Vin Diesel will say “family” enough times to make you hate your own and they’ll keep throwing “Smurfs” movies at you until even raspberry ices aren’t appealing anymore.
Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of other sequels that we’ll keep shoveling at you, too. Captain Jack Sparrow can be rebooted or given several prequel treatments if Johnny Depp is serious about giving up that easy movie. Hey, we’ll always have Tom Cruise to shove in your face with some lousy film that will inevitably make you cringe.
Those “Amityville” films never get old, right? I mean, none of them have ever come close to the original but if they keep throwing this garbage at you then eventually an original idea will come to their head. Right? Bah, just watch another “Paranormal Activity” film until that day happens.
Or, hell, just wait until October for the new “Saw” movie. Think I’m joking? Jokes on you, Charlie. We’re also giving you another “Insidious” film. And how much do you wanna bet we’re gonna slide in at least twelve more “Purge” films?
We’re all going to need to purge after seeing all these franchise shuffles.
So, buckle in, kiddies, because we’re going to keep sending you “Planet of the Apes” movies and “It” reboots, “National Lampoon” products, “Bad Santa/Grandpa/Moms” and whatever we can stick the word “bad” in front of (Bad movie? Nah, too on-the-nose.)
Maybe those movies are just being rebooted too soon. I know, let’s reboot some older films, like “Murder on the Orient Express.” I’m sure they’ll make the November reboot better than the original. Or equally as good. Or not quite as good but kind of close. Who am I fooling, it’s going to suck big time. But who are you fooling? You’ll still see it.
Dwayne Johnson stars in “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” set for release Dec. 20, 2017.
So keep rebooting “The Six Billion Dollar Man” and “Jumanji” and shoving Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson in our faces, keep sending us more “Pitch Perfect” and “Bring it On” franchise pieces, and keep rebooting all those films that made our grandparents happy. We’ll pay to see them because there’s nothing else out there for us.
Either that, or prepare to find a new line of work. Hollywood’s reign of terror (terrible) is coming to an end. Right after we see the new “Crow” reboot. We promise.
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