Secrets of Nerdarchy revealed! You won’t believe it!
Last week the entire Nerdarchy crew set out to sea for the Fan2Sea Comic Con Cruise. That’s right. Ted, Dave, Ryan, Nate, their family and friends, the whole shebang, they’ve up and left everything behind to go play at pirate. With Frank Miller.
That means there’s no one in charge here at the Nerd cave!
— breathes in deeply —
Okay, now that I’ve got that out of my system, allow me, the lowly Nerdarchy content manager or site editor or whatever my title happens to be, fill you in on a few things.
Not everything here at Nerdarchy is as it seems. Oh, yeah, sure, you watch the crew with their smiling faces and well-meaning advice on all the YouTube videos, and maybe you even read these articles slushed together by those of us down in the pits, and maybe you even check out the Nerdarchy Forum or have signed up for the Newsletter. But that doesn’t mean everything is fine and dandy.
Oh, no. Not at all.
There are secrets waiting to be revealed. Deep, dark secrets. Things the Nerdarchists and Nerdarchs wouldn’t want me to tell you.
But screw them! They’re out of town! And we’ve got a new president here in the U.S. with thousands upon thousands of people protesting across the nation while the Nerdarchy guys are sipping mai tais with the likes of Michael Rooker. Hmm. You’d almost think they had this planned to be out of the country. Coincidence? I think not.
Anyway, back to the secrets.
The first big secret has to do with those beards. They’re not natural. I mean it. I once heard Dave whisper to Ryan that they were going to have to order another tub of magical dwarf grease from Elminster. When I asked them what they were talking about, I got back hard, shifty eyes, kind of like Walter White handing a failing paper back to a chemistry student. From then on, I knew to keep my questions to myself, but it was only days later I noticed everybody’s beards had grown another couple of inches, all while looking shinier than ever.
Next up, the videos. You really think those guys can put out all those videos? Really? Come on, four guys, two videos a day? Not possible. Not unless your last name is Scorsese, and maybe not then. It’s all faked, believe me. They filmed one video a long time ago, then they just use it over and over again, dubbing over the voices, using Photoshop (or whatever the video equivalent is) to change their shirts, rearrange their beards, etc. Know how you can tell I’m telling the truth? Watch Dave’s beard. It changes colors faster than a chameleon caught in a box of Crayolas. That’s somebody not paying attention to their video editing. I’m not naming any names, but they know who they are. Ted.
Then you’ve got us poor writers stuck down here in Menzoberranzan, otherwise known as the Nerdarchy basement. They let one of us come up each day to type out an article and get a breath of fresh air, then it’s back to the stale bosoms of the Underdark for us! In truth, the only reason I agreed to be content manager was because Nate promised to toss me an extra moldy biscuit every now and then. Ye gads, the horror!
Okay, finally I get to the worst secret of all, the biggest, baddest secret. It involves someone named Beelzebub, who I think is a cousin of Ryan’s or something. See, one day Ted was pulling on my chain to draw me up from the basement when —
Huh? What’s that sound?
No! They’re back! By all that’s holy, the Nerdarchy guys are back! Everybody run! Put away those copies of Beholder Weekly! Hide the centaur lube! Flee for your lives! Each writer for themself!
(We apologize for the fault of this article. Those responsible have been sacked.)
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