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Speak With Dead #09: Zombie Animals

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I admire your efforts here, and your necromantic work as well. I wish I could follow in your footsteps. Unfortunately, I am in no way magically inclined. I’ve tried various processes, such as asking gods for power, making deals with demons, and even studying, but the gods didn’t listen, the demons got annoyed with me, and the books didn’t help. I’ve looked into alchemical solutions to my problem, but there isn’t much documentation on the subject. Could you give me some personal insight?

Signed,
Necromance-If-You-Want-To Continue reading Speak With Dead #09: Zombie Animals

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Speak With Dead #08: Hellspawn

 

necromancer Maxillae the Mad
What’s a lady gotta do to practice necromancy in peace? Occasional adventurer intrusions are a thing, people. [Art by Maciej Kuciara]
Dear Readers,

 

My sincerest apologies for my tardiness. I am aware you were expecting my latest Speak with Dead transmission this previous “Thursday” as it were, but I have found myself in a bit of a quandary as four plucky adventurers entered my crypt in an attempt to slay me for some sundry “crimes against humanity.” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t listening to the whole thing; these tirades tend to be very similar once you’ve heard them enough.

Fear not, I managed to dispatch them fairly easily and should be back to my regular activities shortly. On an unrelated note, however, I have four new zombies to acclimate to my horde now. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Braaaaainsssss….]

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad Continue reading Speak With Dead #08: Hellspawn

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Speak With Dead #07: Undeath Support

Maxillae the Mad

Dear Maxillae the Mad,
IS THIS THE GOOGLE? EVERYTHING I TYPE IS UPPERCASED. IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING BUT I’M NOT. MY GRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME TO ASK THE GOOGLE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS. HELP!
Signed,
WHAT’S A USERNAME? I’M BETH

 

Dear BETH,

This is not The Google. This is Maxillae. I understand you are having some trouble with your connective device and I also understand you are nearing the end of your natural life cycle and your bones and musculature are no longer supple and resistant to the wear and tear of decay, so allow me to offer some support. Continue reading Speak With Dead #07: Undeath Support

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Speak With Dead #06: Withering Willies

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

speak with dead Maxillae the Mad necromancer
A hand of glory was a hanged man’s hand which was used as a macabre candle holder by burglars to evade discovery. When alight, it was said to put all the sleeping people in a house into a trance from which they couldn’t be awakened. Sometimes the fingers of the hand itself were lit. It was believed that if the thumb refused to light, it signified that someone in the house was still awake. This hand was discovered in the early 20th century on the roof wallpate of Hawthorn Cottage in Danby. It is thought that it might have originated from Gibbet Howe, Castleton and been in use as late as 1820.

As I’m sure you are aware, it is common practice for civilians to remove the body parts (hands, eyes, genitals, etc) of hanged criminals in order to create macabre charms and trinkets. What do you think of such practices? Does it dissuade you from raising such corpses or do they still have their uses?
Signed,
Knick-Knack-Tallywacker

Continue reading Speak With Dead #06: Withering Willies

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Speak With Dead #05: In the Spirit of Good Counsel

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

speak with dead
Portrait of a Lady, by Gustave Jean Jacquet (1846-1909)

My dear uncle passed away a fortnight ago and left his estate split between myself and two other cousins as he had no children himself. I received among other things a framed portrait of a beautiful woman that had been hanging in his personal study. No idea who she is but it is a beautiful painting.

However, since receiving said painting, this woman has started appearing in my dreams and at night when I’m woken I can hear a woman screaming outside my house. Three days ago my chickens were dead. Two days ago, some wild dogs. This morning I found two men dressed in black dead on my front porch whom I took to be attempted burglars. Their faces were twisted in silent screams of horror.

Do I get rid of the painting? I feel there’s a spirit at unrest but at the same time she has shown me no harm or ill will aside from lack of sleep and walking my dreams.

Please help!

Yours,

Restless Dreaming Continue reading Speak With Dead #05: In the Spirit of Good Counsel

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Speak With Dead #04: My Int Mod Brings All the Ghouls to the Yard

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

A ghast, as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]
The last adventurers that came through my family’s home took everything of value. Now no more adventurers will come, and my family is going to starve.

Is it too deceitful to spread false rumors of the vast riches here, or should we simply find a new home with a consistent source of food?

Signed,
Ghasts-Half-Empty

 

Dear Ghasts,

It is absolutely deceitful, but why do you care? What you do in the face of starvation does not reflect as badly on you as letting your family starve would. Although, most people are not going to listen to a ghast.

Even if you get some paint and write “Free Treasure” on the wall of your abode I somehow do not see it bearing much fruit.

Relocating, however, seems to be a good plan. I am, at present, forwarding my contact information to you. Ghasts have the uncanny ability to defy turning and they pass it on to the undead around them.

Such a thing would be invaluable to my shambling horde, and I am in such a place at this moment as to care for a family of ghasts. I believe we may be able to help each other out.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

PS If any adventurers are reading this, there are vast treasures in my hold.

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

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DON’T MISS OUT VISIT http://WWW.BIGSPELLSBIGMANA.NET/BONUSINTRO

 

Dear Great Mana Deals,

You’re adorable.

This is an advice column, so allow me to give you a little bit of advice.

If you are so insecure as to feel the need to write your entire solicitation in all capital letters, it looks as though you are compensating for the size of your own, ah, “mana pool.”

You are aware that you are sending signals to a verse in which we practice Vancian magic, yes?

My intelligence modifier brings all the ghouls to the yard, and damn right it’s bigger than yours.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

Could this be the beet farmer seeking advice? Seems to fit the profile. Rainn Wilson as Dwight K. Schrute portraying Belsnickel, from NBC’s “The Office.” Have you been impish or admirable? [Image courtesy NBC]
I am but a humble beet farmer descended from a long line of beet farmers and one carrot farmer.

I do my best to keep running my farm as peacefully as possible but recently some ne’er do wells have been trying to get me to pay protection money.

My farm doesn’t earn enough to pay the gold they’re asking for.

They’re all bandits well used to beating and killing simple village folk like myself and there’s no sign of any adventurers who can help us (we put notes up on sign but alas to no avail) these bandits are well armed and many in number what would you suggest to a simple farmer of beets?

Humbly yours.

Algernon Beetish

 

Dear Algernon,

Many in number, you say?

Historically speaking, beet farmers have a tendency to be a hardy and resilient people, or at least that is what the television of my mortal Nerdarchy contact’s plane tells me. Do what beet farmers do, and fall back on one of your many contingency plans for the time being.

In the mean time I would very much like for you to hold fast. If the bandits press the issue for the time being, pay them; you will be picking the money back up off of their corpses soon with interest. Also, I have a group of ghasts to put you in contact with.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

 

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Speak With Dead #03: The Nature of Evil

evil necromancer

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

My druid circle disagrees with my use of undead in the line of duty. Death is just as much a part of nature as life, and I only raise those whose spirits I have communicated with and that have consented to helping me. How can I make the others see that I am not evil just because my practices are unconventional?

Signed,
Deerly-Departed

Dear Departed,

As a practicing necromancer, I do some pretty evil things and I’m all right with that. So believe me when I say, I wouldn’t be judging you if what you were doing was evil, but if the spirits are all right with it, I don’t see how it qualifies. People just get really iffy about dead things walking around for some reason.

The thing is, if they’re bound and determined to think what you’re doing is bad, they’re going to think so no matter how you frame it. And all of the spells designed to detect that sort of thing are currently calibrated to both by default.

Unfortunately, there is no way for you to prove your goodness. The people around you don’t trust you, plain and simple. In that case, you need to decide what means more to you: the ability to be yourself, or the seeming respect of those around you. I know which I would pick if it were me. Respecting you on the conditions of your being someone you are not is in no way real respect.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad Continue reading Speak With Dead #03: The Nature of Evil

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Speak With Dead #02: NecRomantic Questions

undead zombie necromancerDear Maxillae the Mad,

While trudging through an ancient tomb the other day, I became cursed. Now I only find myself attracted to zombies, ghosts, and, most strangely, skeletons. Should I tell my cleric about this or just wait for it to clear up?

Signed,
Lust-For-Unlife Continue reading Speak With Dead #02: NecRomantic Questions

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Speak With Dead #00: Raising Questions

Salutations nerds! I’ve got an idea I think we’re all going to have a lot of fun with, but I’m going to need your help to make it happen. The idea is to do an advice column like “Dear Abby,” but from the point of view of a necromancer, and more for entertainment than for actual advice. Continue reading Speak With Dead #00: Raising Questions

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Out of the Box D&D Encounters, Series 2, #2: Black Circle

D&D zombieTo expand on an opinion expressed by others more famous than myself (an easy achievement to accomplish), much of what we assume in D&D comes from a generic fantasy world. We tend to also assume the appearance and behavior of certain cultures and races. What I’d like to do in this encounter is bring an event which may have already occurred in this generic setting and describe it in a more primitive setting. Continue reading Out of the Box D&D Encounters, Series 2, #2: Black Circle

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E24 YR1- Nerdarchy Gets Nerco-Mantic With D&D Undead| Dungeons and Dragons Monsters Podcast

podcast

podcast

WOW episode 24 of Nerdarchy the podcast already. Time flies when you are having fun. This time we are delving into Undead in D&D. Undead are probably one of the most beloved of all D&D monsters right behind dragons. Dungeon Masters ave been terrorizing players with Undead right from the beginning. In game like Dungeons & Dragons it’s also a great way to bring back a villain that may not of survived their last encounter with the adventuring party.

 Nerdarchy Gets Nerco-Mantic With D&D Undead| Dungeons and Dragons Monsters

Dungeons and Dragons Monsters Nerdarchy Gets Nerco-Mantic With D&D Undead One of the most frightening monster groups in any D&D game of any edition has got to be the undead. They can threaten and harry you players from their very lowest of levels with monsters like the zombie or skeletons. To the highest of high level characters with things like undead dragons, Liches, and Vampires of course. Not to mention creating mayhem for all the levels in between with critters like ghosts, ghouls, wights, wraiths, and so many more. Undead monsters come in so many flavors it isn’t even funny. Also for so many different role-playing game other than dungeons and dragons and Pathfinder. Also there is the non-undead monsters and NPC’s that associated with the undead. You have death clerics and necromancers contend with as well. Have a good undead monster story from your favorite RPG? Then by all means put it in the comments cause we love talking and discussing shop with you guys.

 

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“Old Yeller” – Out of the Box D&D Encounters #44

D&D zombieMonster synergy. It’s something you do not hear all that much. Surely we all know that different goblinoids will work together, or that some creatures like Ettins and Ogres will work for others for the right bribe. However, when it comes to some, they are generally overlooked except in the most obvious cases. We have seen lesser animated undead like Skeletons or Zombies work with each other or the creature that animated them – but not with something equally mindless. Continue reading “Old Yeller” – Out of the Box D&D Encounters #44

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Board Games in Review – Resident Evil – Deck Building Game

Resident EvilHello my fellow Nerdarchists.  Nerdarchist Ted here and I got another board game to talk about.  I have mentioned other Deck Building games, But today I am going to Talk about Resident Evil.  You have probably played the games.  You have probably watched the movies but did you know you can also play the board game?  You can get yours here.

Resident Evil  – Zombie fitting DBG

Now you have to use your imagination to see the gore and blood splatter instead of seeing it on your high def TV.  But the flow of the game is really good.  Resident evil offers you the same kind of option presented in Thunderstone, another cool Deck building game, but it adds stuff as well.  Continue reading Board Games in Review – Resident Evil – Deck Building Game

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Nerdarchy’s Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse- It’s All About that Gear

Greetings  ghouls and gals Nerdarchist Dave here and I’m going to try to help you get through a zombie apocalypse. First things first it’s all about the preparation. Once you find yourself zombie apocalypsein the middle of an invasion from the living dead it might already be to late.

Step 1 assemble your gear before horror begins to unfold. For those of you who wish to survive a hoard of undead on a budget you’re in luck most of your survival kit can be gathered from Amazon.

During the apocalypse you most likely won’t have internet access. You going to need to have something to refer to on hand in order to get you through the ordeal, since you won’t be able to access the Nerdarchy.com website.

So the first item on our list is The Zombie Survival Guide. Continue reading Nerdarchy’s Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse- It’s All About that Gear

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Nubz Knows Chapter 13: Aligning with Character Alignment part 8: Neutral Evil

This will be the Eighth part in a nine part series where I get to interview characters of the various character alignments in Dungeons and Dragons and Pathfinder.

This should give insight and illustrate the richness that can be found in each character alignment in an organic way.

To this end, I have chosen out nine NPC’s from campaigns I have written and went across the dimensional borders to speak to these characters face to face in their natural element.

Panting prolific powerful panic pulsed and pontificated my person as I trudged through shin deep snow in my exodus from the coming evil Deathless. Continue reading Nubz Knows Chapter 13: Aligning with Character Alignment part 8: Neutral Evil