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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #28: Brain Food III – Kitchen Witching

Speak With Dead #28: Brain Food III – Kitchen Witching

Speak With Dead #27: Furry Chin Slinger
Speak With Dead #29: Dark Lord Problems

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

#SpeakWithDead

speak with dead Maxillae the Mad necromancer

A raven as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Basic Rules. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

My party has been continuously saying that we need to murder my familiar for food, however I think that they are just being mean spirited as it is a raven. What should I do?

 

#RavensAdvocate,

There is a particular phrase in some cultures. ‘Eat crow’. The phrase means to take the bitter pill that is the truth, take your lumps, and allow yourself to be held accountable. It means to grovel. It means an unpleasant experience.

The reason for this is that crows and ravens tend to be very gamey and taste horrible. I would suggest with enthusiasm that you explain this to them because if they were aware of such a thing they might not be so keen on eating your familiar. That aside, any familiar is a planar creature and they would never succeed in the first place as those tend to poof out of existence when they die.

If you are, however, looking for some flavor I believe one Fitzroy Brumblebottom soon has a cookbook coming out and I am very much looking forward to reading what’s inside it.

#MaxillaetheMad

P.S. I have been informed that is not a socially accepted way to sign off from a missive but I’m going to do it anyway. Fight me if you disagree.

 

#SpeakWithDead

“How well will undead minions retain their skills from their previous life? I’m having a dinner party and decided to raise me a couple of chefs to cut some corners, should I try to bring back a 5 star chef or will any regular old cook work?”

#UnlifeCooking

Unfortunately they do not retain their skills long as the brain is the first thing to go. However simple tasks that are muscle memory take very well. Find a wait staff, they needn’t be particularly good they simply need the muscle memory to remember how to chop onions, wash dishes and the works.

 

speak with dead necromancer

A necromancer could do worse than having a wight as an ally. This one, as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Basic Rules, is smart enough to manage a wait staff and even create their own new employees when needed! [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

You will be doing most of the thinking but that is quite all right as long as you are careful to glove your minions. Some forms of undeath, I have heard, can be dreadfully contagious and it would be unfortunate if some ended up in your guest’s food.

 

I highly recommend Brumblebottom’s upcoming missive as well, I’m certain you will have as much fun with it as I will.

#MaxillaetheMad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

It seems every foolish adventurer who has wandered into my realm as of late has taken to magical means of protecting their bodies from being raised. I suppose they don’t relish the idea of being used against their former comrades. I’d say who can blame them, but I’m asking this question, so…me, I can blame them. Tell me, have you discovered any way to circumvent these wards? The bodies of commoners simply don’t have the “umph” I require.

Signed, Duchess of Death

 

Dear Duchess,

It’s really a pesky little problem, isn’t it? My advice is to find bodies that are buried in unmarked graves, and find the ditches where the poor dump those they can’t afford to have buried properly. No matter how in style protecting oneself is against being raised as a zombie there are always people who don’t know or can’t afford it.

Necromancing on a budget? Look for upwards graves. Did you know the phrase “to get shafted” comes from old commoner’s graves that were dug six feet down in a narrow shaft and the bodies were stacked upward inside them? Generally that denotes a poor person whose body will be much easier for you to ensnare as they are less likely to know how to protect themselves and far less likely to be able to afford it.

And if I ever do find out a way around their wards and such you will be the first to know. Solidarity, my sister.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

1 Comment

  • Feidhlim
    April 30, 2018 at 8:34 pm

    Hail Maxielle,

    Its your loyal Death Knight Diedrich here, just thought I’d give you an old update on on my mission, been going round graveyards to see who’s willing to recruit before simply casting raise undead, found a few wights and rogue vampire spawn who would be delighted in joining you in your mighty army of undeath, the vampire spawn are especially eager as they’re running from a vampire hunter that offed their master. Now I couldn’t just send them with a vampire hunter on their trial so I’ve been working on throwing the hunter off their tracks and lead him to me waiting in an ambush, therefore more minions for you and one less undead slayer to get a migraine over.

    Oh what should I do with the vampire hunters head? Raise it as a flame skull?

    Your chum and faithful servant

    Diedrich

    PS I’m really enjoying being a death knight more then a paladin

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