Speak With Dead #27: Furry Chin Slinger
Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!
Dear Maxillae,
I am a lowly warlock who is new to adventuring. Do you know where I can find magical items that would make me more powerful? There’s a local wizard who keeps rubbing my face in the fact that he’s more powerful than I am. Although he’s pompous, he’s still a generally good person who saves innocent people from destruction, etc. I just would like to get a leg up on the competition, so to speak.
Beginning Adventurer
Dear Beginning,
If you’re a warlock, shouldn’t you be asking your patron? No matter, I would suggest you amass power the same way everyone else does; dungeons. There are ruins all over the place and most of them contain ancient and powerful treasures that will augment your abilities.
That said, while being a warlock is cool and all, I would also suggest you find yourself a profession that does not rely on another entity to get you power. Alternatively you could kill that entity when you become powerful enough and take all the power but that is still being on someone else’s string for a very long time and I can’t fathom it.
I do know that some warlock’s patrons give them a blade of some sort as a milestone marker? Perhaps that’s the kind of artifact you might be looking for? It’s hard for me to be unbiased here, I do apologize…after all I am a wizard myself and of course I see it as ‘the right way to go’.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
In reply to Xlephtic
Hmm, who knew they could be that resourceful. A little green fellow who wished to prove his value to my organization accepted the mission of dispatching this ‘Lightbringer’ threat. He and his bandit kin succeeded in destroying Lightbringer’s … what is the name for vampire horde? Lightbringer’s head was brought to me in a barrel of salt, and the Weary Eye Inn has been burned to the ground, apparently along with a sizable portion of the surrounding settlement. Although crude, the “Furry Chin Slinger” goblin clan’s results speak for themselves. They also asked that I mention them by name in my correspondence to you, in case anyone wished to use their services. I promised them I would, and now that I have, I believe I will attempt to control their leader and see if they can be useful for some out of town jobs that I need done.
Dear Anon,
That explains why when my zombies marched on the place I found only a charred ruin. Perhaps I should read my entire backlog of correspondences before I start acting on them…hmm…anyway, you have my sincerest thanks for nipping this vampire problem in the bud and we shall simply have to hope that it was the right one and not merely a sanguine trick.
That said, you folks heard it, the Furry Chin Slinger clan, looking for work and clearly effective. I did get to see the wreckage myself, it was truly a spectacular piece of chaos.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
Hello again! Its me. Thank you for all of your design tips. I put my legions to work. It is truly amazing how quickly the undead can get things done, seeing as they do not need to eat, sleep, drink, or eat.
Some man named Lightbringer, arrived with a druid, trying to fly in on wings of an eagle and attack me. Well, he and his allies had a nasty surprise waiting for them when my new friend Cathrist unleashed his deadly breath and they fell from the sky before even reaching my keep. It was not long until the overwhelming tide of armored zombies and skeleton archers managed to bring them to an acceptable level before I engaged the paladin himself. Radiant damage is not fun, but it was not overly difficult to defeat him. His allies were nothing more than dragon food after that.
And, at that, I would like to invite you to my castle once more, this time perhaps to discuss some further plans. Mayhaps we turn Cathrist into a dracolich to increase his power marginally higher. Or we fix up some more powerful undead.
Best wishes,
Silas
A dracolich as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manuel. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]
I was afraid that might be the case. Names are an ephemeral thing after all and there is nothing stopping people from using them however they desire. I am glad to hear you are well, my concern was mounting while I was out of commission but it seems as though you have everything together just fine.
You seem happy. So…I think I’m going to stop trying to cure you for now but keep an eye out just in case something happens to come up. I’m sure the old you would never forgive the new you for what you’ve done in the interim, but keep this letter because I want to remind you one more time that you aren’t culpable for this.
Liches are extremely hard to come by and a very personal decision but if your friend Cathrist is serious we can take some steps. It isn’t something that can be undone and there are as many cons as pros to such a thing, but I have the ritual details somewhere in my personal library and we shall see what comes of that.
Looking Forward to Visiting,
Maxillae the Mad
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Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!
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