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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #26: Dead Woman’s Hand
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Speak With Dead #26: Dead Woman’s Hand

Speak With Dead #25: Necronomi-Con
Speak With Dead #27: Furry Chin Slinger

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your patience, I’ve had a bit of an incident with one hand involving a bad case of mummy rot and a difficult time finding a suitable replacement for it. Currently typing with one normal hand and one desiccated ogre hand and the mismatched sizes are making for an interesting experience.

Remember children, meat is cheap and a slow death from mummy rot isn’t worth keeping a limb over. I will let you know when I’ve found a more suitable prosthetic.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

PS If anyone has any suggestions I am accepting donations. I am fine with skeletal arms. Adult human woman sized preferred but I will make exceptions if it looks cool enough.

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

 

speak with dead D&D

A revenant as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

I find myself in a bit of a predicament. I recently perished under…less than favorable circumstances. However, apparently what I was doing was important, because I’ve risen as a revenant. I look healthy – enough to pass for normal with a bit of makeup, anyway. I’m also constantly aware of the direction to my “objective,” but I’ve heard that once I complete that, I’ll die for real. I don’t appear to be under any sort of magical compulsion to do this, however. Should I complete my duty or whatever? I mean, it didn’t matter much to me personally and it’s hard to argue against immortality. Is there anything about the situation I should be aware of?

 

More-Like-Lovinit

 

Dear Lovinit,

Ah, yes, that ever present lure of your deathbound duty. It will always call to you. If you can manage to keep out from under the sights of the being that brought you back, you should be fine. I killed mine, so there’s no one breathing down my neck trying to get me to get mine done.

It’s an interesting condition to be in, for a certainty. My two copper is, if you’d rather not pass on and your mission doesn’t matter that much to you, why not stay undead? There are a lot of perks to it. The biggest downside is that usually something very powerful has a hand in bringing you back to complete your task, so something very big and bad thinks it’s important.

Be bigger and badder than that thing.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I have good news, bad news, and worse news. I was being hunted by a local bounty hunter of no small reputation named Talbut. The bounty hunter was thrown off my scent with the simple ruse of falsified documents that led him to believe Releloth was the mage behind the mischief he was seeking to end. With some clever manipulations of Talbut’s minions, I was able to make him believe Kellair Lightbringer would have information about my/Releloth’s whereabouts.

It took some work, but eventually Talbut was able to find Kellair. One of my ‘trusted associates’ was able to invisibly observe Kellair and Talbut’s meeting. It turns out that Kellair isn’t a paladin, but appears to be a bard of wonderful singing and playing ability who regularly performs after dinner at the Weary Eye Inn. So, I thought I’d killed two mice with one noose when they began fighting after Talbut started asking Kellair about letters to Releloth. To the bad news, Talbut was killed by Kellair… and drained of his blood… then, I presume, buried in the inn’s cellar.

After the battle with Talbut, Kellair seemed quite damaged, so my ‘associate’ attempted to finish him off. Although Kellair was incapacitated, while he turned to mist and escaped to the inn’s basement, his audience who previously appeared to be simple commoners started doing significant damage and my associate was forced to flee. From “Fartbringer’s” reaction to the “necro-poser’s” name, I would wager there is some kind of connection there. Which leads to the worse news – I fear Kellair may be targeting the lesser folk who handle your correspondence. I intercepted a few messengers from Kellair to unnamed allies that seem to indicate an attack on either you, them or both is imminent. I assume you and your minions have already taken precautions, but I suggest you be wary in the coming days. If you or any readers would care to rid the world of Kellair, I have attached directions to the Weary Eye Inn. If I had the time, I would handle him myself. But, my resources are stretched a little thin with my current schemes, and the Weary Eye is a little beyond my organization’s sphere of influence.

Xlephtic the Multiplying Mage

PS The best news, my wife has returned with a paladin statue. After sending ‘our’ paladin into the lower planes to do some of her dirty work, she was able to exchange services with a medusa. For eliminating the medusa’s ex-boyfriend (a necromancer and someone I hope you won’t miss), the medusa gave a ‘look’ to the trusting paladin and his companions. If you need a recommendation for a top notch diviner, conjurer or medusa for hire, we have their contact info.

 

Speak with Dead D&D

A vampire as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Basic Rules. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

Dear Xlephtic,

Yes, this had something to do with the mummy rot incident, embarrassingly enough, and I’ve learned that there are just some things it isn’t worth keeping samples of. Given the date of this missive, I’m not certain he’ll still be at the inn, but it’s certainly worth a look. I’ll dispatch a contingency of zombies to check it out and if he does indeed still hang his hat there I’ll make a personal appearance.

I’m delighted by the way, to hear about your wife. Things did seem rather worrisome for a moment there, I’ll admit, but it sounds as though you two are simply two evil peas in an evil pod. I’m hoping after we get some of this nonsense with the paladin (vampire?) sorted out you’ll both be able to come join me for dinner and catch up in real time.

…You know now that I’ve had a minute to really think this over, I have to ask…are we actually sure it was him? Could it have been someone else using his name?

Bah. Vampires. We’re going to end up with an infestation.

Sharpening Stakes,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae,

I was flipping channels the other day, and ran across an episode of The Walking Dead. It made me wonder: a) Have you ever seen a zombie show/movie? b) Did you like how the undead were portrayed in the show?

Interested Viewer

 

Dear Interested,

The Walking Dead, art by Drew Struzan

My handler has sent me several of these “shows and movies” you’re talking about, unfortunately they are all stored on these multicolored discs that I’ve yet to figure out how to read. She also sent me something called a “DVD player”, that appears to require some kind of electric stimulus to work and has a bunch of wires that need to be hooked up just right.

To be honest it looks more complicated than hooking up a zombie’s nerve endings and I just didn’t want it badly enough to fool with it.

The pictures on the box look interesting, however, and I’m delighted to know how the people of your world revel in the undead!

Perhaps I will give that DVD player another shot after all…

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

PS What is the difference between a DVD player and a DND player? They have very similar names but when I asked my handler she merely erupted into peals of laughter. I would have killed her for her insolence but since she is my one contact on your plane I stayed my hand.

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

 

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

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