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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #24: Help Needed
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Speak With Dead #24: Help Needed

Speak With Dead #23: Family Drama
Speak With Dead #25: Necronomi-Con

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Mistress Maxillae the Mad,

(Yes, I do rather like that, too.)

necromancy Speak with Dead

A ghost as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

To update, ‘Penelope’ and her paladin have gone off together … I trust my wife to return to me at her earliest convenience, and I’ve been receiving irregular but reassuring messages from her. But, this lack of a true partner has left me holding the bag when it comes to our regional criminal enterprise. I originally thought to employ lesser beings that had proved intelligent enough to handle some of the more mundane tasks. They sadly proved less than reliable.

Now I’ve made the investment in simulacrums and they’ve been working out quite well. I even sent a few to look for ‘Penelope,’ just in case. The problem, however, is that one of the replaced lesser beings was killed by one of my simulacrums and then became a ghost. As far as I can tell, his purpose in undeath is to undo all of my work and destroy the original me — he’s already orchestrated the destruction of two of my dopplegangers. As you know, ghosts are extremely resilient and his efforts are highly annoying (tipping off authorities, guiding do-gooders to strongholds, etc).

Short of using a wish, or seeking help from a deity, do you have any ideas for dealing with this rude ruffian that simply won’t go away?

Yours busily,
‘Squiggles’ Xlephtic

p.s.: If you have a line on where to find a beholder available for vivisection, I’d appreciate the heads up. Although I know that a beholder’s simulacrum won’t fix this haunting permanently, watching him be repeatedly disintegrated will make me feel better about his vexations, as well as deal with a host of smaller problems.

 

Dear Xlephtic,

To be honest? If he’s trying to screw you over my best advice would be to sage the hell out of him. White sage, no other kind, it’s a potent cleanser. Dash all of your windows and doors with salt, too, and he won’t be able to come in. Ghosts are fairly easy to thwart if you know what you’re doing.

If you do get a chance to put hands on him firsthand ask him what his business is and do your best to finish it for him. Either your wife is being very…thorough…with her ruse or you have a serious problem on your hands. Regardless, I am sure it’s nothing you can’t handle.

That said, I can’t say I know where you can find a dead beholder, though I am aware that Ryelor had one under its streets recently…the very same Ryelor that got blown up by a crazy huge multicolored being recently…it might be worth checking out, assuming Stanley died in the blast.

I wouldn’t put too much into that assumption, though, he was a pretty hard core guy all things considered.

Yeah. Use some sea salt, first and foremost, you should be okay. Ghosts aren’t that difficult to deal with in the long run. And if you really need a beholder after all that…well. You know where to look.

Wishing for the best,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae,

Hello again, it is I your dearest undead pen pal. How are you this evening? I’ve had a few interesting developments following my tragic death at the hands of some idiot paladin. Turns out I come back! Who knew?

Anywho, I just wanted to write this letter to invite you over to the newly renovated Castle Duskmire. I believe you will enjoy the dark motif and undead army I have training in the courtyard. Turns out they just….listen to me!

I’ll leave a kettle of some lovely tea on for you.

Yours truly,

Silas Storm glade, Scourge of the East, and Death Knight.

p.s.: I got that title from some villagers. Scourge of the East. Not a bad name a should think!

 

Dear Silas Stormglade,

No…no it is not a bad name at all. Silas, Scourge of the East. Even as I write it it sounds…more than reasonable, it sounds intimidating. It sounds amazing.

Please bear in mind as you read this, as you go, as you pull yourself together…this is not you. You are strong, you have principals, you are a hard man, a true prince, and you care about your people. What you are doesn’t matter in terms of who you are. Releloth cheated and you did not choose this.

I’ll come visit you. Of course I will, I wouldn’t turn you down. I’m happy that you are happy, but Silas, please do not forget the person you were before you died. I wanted to turn you, I wanted to cause you to corrupt, but…not like this. Releloth cheated. Just…take a moment. Take a breath. Try to remember who you were and remember I am doing my level best for you.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

necromancer Speak with Dead

What’s a lady gotta do to practice necromancy in peace? Occasional adventurer intrusions are a thing, people.

 

Dear Adventurers,

I usually hate working with people like you, but at this moment I am in dire need of assistance. There is someone in need of help from a good person, someone that could use some help. Write me, if you are a paladin. Write me, if you are a fighter or a druid. A rogue, a barbarian, a wizard or a bard. If you are the kind of person to take jobs, and go out adventuring, please, write me.

I have a quest for you.

Silas Stormglade has been turned against his will. Some vile force has played against the rules and he did it to get to me, not to him. And yet he is still there and in need of help. Silas Stormglade is a good man. Write to me, and I will tell you what I can to help you help him remember that.

Serious offers only, please. I’ll expect a report on how you managed to send me what I require. The point is simple…he needs to be reminded of himself. He needs to become the man he was and not who Releloth forced him to be. It is my hope that we can manage that with my visit.

Write me. Please. I implore you. Of course I want to see what people are like once they’ve been corrupted, but it has to be their choice otherwise what is the point? And he did not choose this. He was poisoned.

Please help my…friend…and do not tell anyone else I’ve asked this of you it would ruin my reputation among the ranks of the undead.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad, Quest Giver

 

The Tome of Adventure Design from Frog God Games is available in their online store right now. Click the image. Go on. Click it.

[HANDLER’S NOTE: I just want to thank all of you that are participating in this meta plot; it’s a hell of a lot of fun for me and I hope it will be for you too. Those of you who decide to get involved with this cry for help, if you answer, just feel free to come up with your best solution to the problem Max gives you. BS it if you have to, after all this is just, and has always been, us having fun. Run it for your group if you feel like it, or just make something up. Even if people have already answered, answer anyway if you want to. After all, the point is for us all to have as much fun as possible, and the fact that we’ve gotten this far is amazing to me. Let’s see what kind of story we can tell together, shall we?]

 

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

If you enjoy deep dives into worldbuilding and adventure creation, check out the Tome of Adventure Design from Frog God Games.

Useful for a multitude of game systems, this book contains tried-and-true random tables to spark your imagination, help Game Masters prepare and gives creative resources to make your adventures come alive.

It also comes with a clever on-brand acronym totally free!

Perhaps it will aid you in fulfilling Maxillae the Mad’s call for help?

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

3 Comments

  • Mordul the Defiler
    January 27, 2018 at 3:13 am

    Dear Maxillae the Mad,

    We would like to formally invite you to be our Featured Guest at NecronomiCon DCLXVI! As I’m sure you’re aware, NecronomiCon is the premier interdimensional meeting for all things (un)dead! You’ll get to meet others in your craft, dispensing your sage advice live and in person, and who knows, you may even learn a thing or two from them. Nothing says new friendship like sharing trade secrets! You’ll also get to see brand new techniques and equipment for handling undead, really bleeding edge stuff…sometimes literally! We hope to see you there.

    Signed,
    Mordul the Defiler, NecronomiCon Representative

  • Silas Stormglade
    January 29, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    Dear Maxi,

    Thank you for giving me the time last week and showing me how to best equip my skeletons. I hope you enjoyed the large gates and hoards of the undead that patrolled the ground. Would you care to give me some advice on my layout? Any weaknesses you may have noticed that I could have patched?

    Also, on an unrelated but strange note, a party of avengers decided to decend upon my castle from the front. Their fool of a fighter called me out to battle! One on one, honor bound combat. Did some preaching about “the honor of men.” Or something like that. I didn’t listen to him as my friend Cathrist the Shadow Dragon are him. I have found he is quite the useful Ally.

    With love,

    Silas, Scourge of the East

  • Kellair Lightbringer
    February 2, 2018 at 11:48 am

    Dear repugnant one,

    If you could tear yourself away from your conversations with vile, demonic, and/or totally unnatural beings whose nature completely turn my stomach, I have a request. In my realm it is customary to bring flowers this time of year to someone that you love. I know love is probably an alien concept to a beast such as yourself, but please hear me out. After a quest to find appropriately beautiful flowers in the midst of winter, I brought them back to where my allies and I are based. Unfortunately, a more scholarly ally pointed out that the love that I wish to prove will be rejected. Although I have gone to great lengths to acquire these flowers, since I cut the plants and she is a druid, she will not appreciate a ‘dead’ gift. So, as a last resort, obviously, I turn to you for aid. Do you have any *strictly alchemical* means of preserving these flowers? I do not need any necromantic energy spoiling my attempt at proving my love.

    Sincerly and truly repulsed by your being,
    Kellair Lightbringer

    PS Know that my allies and I are planning to destroy Silas and his unnatural allies. The swift end near the beginning of what would be eternal suffering caused by a second rate necro-poser will be my ‘gift’ to you.

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