Speak With Dead #23: Family Drama

Speak With Dead #23: Family Drama

January 18, 2018

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Deer Miz Max the Maddie

A kobold dragonshield as seen in Volo’s Guide to Monsters. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

I kobold of mighty Red Dargin, I name iz Krickt, Krickt good loyal servant of Red Dargin but Krickt iz sad, Mighty Red slain by nazty heroes, Krickt would like favor of Miz Max, Krickt and kobold friends wood much like you bring back Red Dargin as Dargin litch and shadoh dargin, plaeze do thees for Krickt and Kobold friends.

Krickt Kobold friend to Miz Max

Dear Krickt the Kobold,

My condolences — ah. Kobold vocabulary. I am sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately what you’re asking is beyond even my immense capabi…um. The path to becoming a lich is long and arduous and cannot be undertak…no. Kobold words, kobold words.

Listen. A lich has to do a lot of things to become a lich. There are rituals, sacrifices, things your dragon would have to have done before they died. I cannot make your dragon a lich. I will, however, do my best to return them to some semblance of sapience — that is to say, I will try my best for you, but I need you to understand, your dragon may not be the same being they were when they were alive. Death changes people.

If what you need is someone to protect you, I can give you that. If you miss your dragon because you miss who they were as a person to you, that will be considerab — um. That will be very hard. Maybe impossible. But it was very brave of you to write to me, Krickt, so while you think about if you want an undead dragon or not, let me offer this advice.

Get your friends together. Sit around the fire. I want you each to talk about one good memory you had with your red dragon and figure out whether what you are experiencing is necessity or grief. If it is grief, they are going to need you to help them pick the pieces up. Be a leader.

Regards,

Maxillae

[NERDITOR’S NOTE: thric darastrix anatar. axun phaos darastrix]

MAXILLAE THE MAD

An orc as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. You know, Urgluk never explicitly said they’re an orc. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]

I WRITE TO YOU AGAIN BECAUSE VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. URGLUK NOW WAR CHIEF OF HIS TRIBE! BECAUSE OF BIRD FRIEND AND PRACTICE MAGIC, HAVE HELPED FIGHT OTHER SETTLEMENT WHO HATE TRIBE. DID YOUR ADVICE, FED FROM PLATE, WAS KIND TO, DID NOT EAT (LARGE BIRD, WOULD HAVE HAD MUCH MEAT) AND WOULD FIND SHINIES WHEN OUT HUNTING!

I PUT SHINY BLUE GEM AND SHINY GOLD COIN IN ENVELOPE FOR YOU. HOPE THEY BRING YOU MUCH LUCK LIKE DID FOR ME!

HAVE ALSO MADE SMALL ALLY WITH SMALL TOWN. OTHER SETTLEMENT ALWAYS BOTHERING. BIRD FRIEND SPEAK TO HUMANS. HUMANS DO NOT ATTACK ANYMORE, HELP SHARPENED WEAPONS TO CUT OTHERS BETTER. MAYBE GOOD ALLIES IN FUTURE?

YOU HELP URGLUK A LOT, AND HE HOPE TO HELP YOU A LOT IN FUTURE.

MUCH LIKE,

WAR CHIEF (THAT ME) URGLUK ROH

PEE ESS: BIRD FRIEND SAY HI

Dear Warchief Urgluk,

Congratulations, I am very glad to hear your feathered friend has brought you prosperity. Thank you for the lovely gift, it is sitting beside the skull mug you gave me on the shelf beside my writing desk. Do make allies with your human neighbors if you can, but take care not to mention you have a friend who raises the dead, they tend not to take kindly to such things and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize what you have going on.

Stay safe,

Maxillae the Mad

Dear Maxillae,

My youngest daughter has been showing great talent with magic use, she takes after her dearly departed father. However the neighbors have gotten rather concerned (more so complaining) with my youngest simply because she’s been experimenting with bringing back their slaughtered animals and recently she did bring back a sheep’s skeletal remains. I’m not sure what to make of this myself, but do you have advice for a future mother of a talented necromancer?

Sincerely yours,

A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

It sounds to me as though what you have on your hands is a sorcerer. Wizards study for their powers, but sorcerers have an innate ability to cast magic and for a myriad of reasons these things are entirely different. If you can find a sorcerer to help teach her to control herself it may be beneficial, but at the same time it may not. Sorcery comes from different places.

I would encourage her to explore her gifts in a safe place like a large field with no other people around. Your neighbors are never going to understand this, unfortunately, so do your best not to let them know. If they continue to give you trouble, let me know and I can send you a couple of undead to help guard your homestead and let them know you are under my protection. In fact, I will send my return letter in the hand of one such creature. Simply tell him where to stand and he will do his best.

If you do end up having any issues with the undead creatures your daughter is bringing back, do not hesitate to write me and I will do my best to help you sort them out. Until then, congratulations on having such talented offspring.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

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2 Comments


Eric W.
January 18, 2018 at 8:17 pm

Dear Mistress Maxillae the Mad,
(Yes, I do rather like that, too.)

To update, ‘Penelope’ and her Paladin have gone off together … I trust my wife to return to me at her earliest convenience, and I’ve been receiving irregular but reassuring messages from her. But, this lack of a true partner has left me ‘holding the bag’ when it comes to our regional criminal enterprise. I originally thought to employee lesser beings that had proved intelligent enough to handle some of the more mundane tasks. They sadly proved less than reliable. Now I’ve made the investment in simulacrums and they’ve been working out quite well. I even sent a few to look for ‘Penelope’ … just in case. The problem, however, is that one of the replaced lesser beings was killed by one of my simulacrums and then became a ghost. As far as I can tell, his purpose in undeath is to undo all of my work and destroy the original me — he’s already orchestrated the destruction of two of my dopplegangers. As you know, ghosts are extremely resilient and his efforts are highly annoying (tipping off authorities, guiding do-gooders to strongholds, etc). Short of using a Wish, or seeking help from a deity, do you have any ideas for dealing with this rude ruffian that simply won’t go away?

Yours busily,
‘Squiggles’ Xlephtic

PS: If you have a line on where to find a beholder available for vivisection, I’d appreciate the heads up. Although I know that a beholder’s simulacrum won’t fix this haunting permanently, watching him be repeatedly disintegrated will make me feel better about his vexations, as well as deal with a host of smaller problems.

Silas Stormglade
January 22, 2018 at 6:21 pm

Dear Maxillae,

Hello again, it is I your dearest undead pen pal. How are you this evening? I’ve had a few interesting developments following my tragic death at the hands of some idiot paladin. Turns out I come back! Who knew?
Anywho, I just wanted to write this letter to invite you over to the newly renovated Castle Duskmire. I believe you will enjoy the dark motif and undead army I have training in the courtyard. Turns out they just….listen to me!
I’ll leave a kettle of some lovely tea on for you

Yours truly,

Silas Storm glade, Scourge of the East, and Death Knight.

P.S. got that title from some villagers. Scourge of the East. Not a bad name a should think!