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Speak With Dead #17: Trussed Up Like a Thanksgiving Hook Horror

Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I am a simple orc bard. I like to write music to make people happy, but my parents disapprove. They wanted me to be a berserker like them or at least a barbarian or bandit or anything violent that starts with the letter “b,” but I chose to be a bard. It has a letter b in it, but I’m a lover not a mutilator of innocent peasant folk. How can I make my parents understand that in a world where violence and bloodshed is a constant that there’s a little room for pacifism and heart lifting music?

Yours graciously,

Grakk the Bard

 

Dear Grakk the Bard,

That is simply not true at all. In a world where violence and bloodshed are a constant, the drums of war are a forever companion, and I know very few warrior types who are not at home to a little musical accompaniment. Did you know that with only the power of your voice you are very likely capablwwe to inspire your parents to be better at killing people?

Go with them. Play your song. Show them what you’ve got. Pardon my jest, but I think by the end of it they will be singing a different tune.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I realize that most undead feast upon the living in one form or another: brains, blood, flesh, souls, etc. My question is, have you adopted the macabre eating habits of your minions and acquaintances and, do you have any recipes the world simply must try?

Signed,
Brain Food

 

Dear Brain Food,

Are you asking me if I eat dead flesh? Have we arrived at the point where this is actually a question? Or is this merely pertaining to the flesh of those creatures which are still alive, in which case they would certainly be dead by the time I was finished?

Yes. I have absolutely eaten dead flesh. I am willing to put money down that so have you and hundreds of other people that are reading this, as I believe there is a specific holiday in my planar contact’s world that specifically centers around feasting upon the remains of a deceased bird. [NERDITOR’S NOTE: Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Maxillae the Mad is so timely. Enjoy the dead flesh celebration!]

On that topic, however, I am currently in the process of throwing together a feast of sorts for my beloved horde and a number of other guests. Those undead in attendance will each be served an entire cow’s brain, marinated in a spiced blend of its own cerebral juices and smothered in a dwarven mushroom gravy.

My human guests, on the other hand, will be treated to a roasted hook horror, filled with a bread stuffing, the recipe of which I learned from a very skilled baker in Gryphongaff and is certain to be a hit.

Anyway, I can absolutely promise everyone that while my racist uncle will be in attendance he is sitting at the undead table and is currently incapable of speaking.

So, here’s the thing: Brain Food, you’re free to show up if you want to but I don’t have your name or address so I’m not going to be able to send someone to pick you up. That said, some of you can definitely expect a portal.

Xlephtic, there will be brains provided. If you require a living victim I can probably manage to arrange that for you, and you do have a +1, hopefully you and your wife have worked your stuff out by now.

Mr. Cyber, I don’t actually have pancake mix per se but if you’re willing to pull up your adult pants and rob the factory like I suggested I’d be happy to have some of them made. You might have to show my kitchen staff how it works.

Cyrian Darkshard, here’s hoping your still alive after your whole kerfuffle with the adventuring party you were dealing with I’m hoping I don’t have to seat you at the undead table this year.

Urgluk the Brave, I’m seating you next to Grakk. If he decides to make an appearance I feel like the pair of you would have a lot to talk about.

Grim Everwood, I know you were taking steps into the field – you wanna rub some elbows you’re going to want to attend this dinner.

Gunther the Ghost, I know spirits aren’t so much about eating but being around and hanging out with people who will actually be able to see you should be a good time I’m hoping.

Silas Stormglade…I guess you can come if you want to. It’s not really your crowd but there’s something about your sullen behavior that amuses me and anyway it might be nice for you to visit some of your corpse friends again. I’m not going to kidnap you if you say no, I’m just saying, there will be plenty and a seat open for you.

Tom F’Lary, bring your sense of humor, this crowd has a keen funnybone. Probably several. Mine is in the fridge where it belongs.

Dominic the Virile, you’re invited, bring the family. Hook horrors are huge, there’s going to be a lot of meat to go around.

Releloth…you’re not invited. I know you’re going to show up anyway, but realize you aren’t welcome.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing you all to celebrate this holiday that is not ours,

Maxillae the Mad

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