Speak With Dead #13: Brain Food
Each week, our resident necromancer Maxillae the Mad takes time from her busy life as a alchemist and practitioner of death magic to offer her unique insights and advice to denizens of any world or setting. At the bottom find out how you can Speak with Dead and ask your questions of our necromancer with the answer. Until then, welcome to the crypt!
Dear Maxillae the Mad
Just to update you, my medusa girlfriend read your article and figured out what I was planning before I could do anything. She petrified my assistant. (My sister is super upset with ME over that. He was her third favorite son.)She almost succeeded in petrifying me, but I managed to escape, or so I thought. She is employing the services of a diviner and a conjurer to find me and teleport rather dangerous beings to my location.
I can’t return to my lab, my library, or any of my homes or hideouts. I’ve had to utilize vast resources to try and stay ahead of the three of them. I’d like your help in making amends to my girlfriend. What should I do? What can I do? I can’t keep living like this.
Unhappily,
No longer anonymous and jealous.
Dear No Longer,
I have a degree of sympathy for your situation. I really do. Being on the run is never an enjoyable experience for anyone involved. Unfortunately, unless you find some way to ward yourself against divination, you’re pretty screwed. Of course that’s more than possible with the right wizard provided you aren’t captured first.
To be honest? I can understand why she’s angry. Breaking your lover’s playthings on the off chance she might be making use of them without talking to her about it? And then making a production of publicaly asking for advice on the matter? What did you think was going to happen? How many necromancers out there are dating medusas?
Learn to use your words. Learn to address your concerns with those you care about directly. Unless you simply do not care in which case, you need to get better at weasling around. Be honest or be clever, straddling the line is doing you no favors.
Alternatively, find some very powerful friends. A woman’s wrath is not a thing that fizzles out quickly and even when it does it only takes the smallest thing to ignite it again. If you were in her position, had she destroyed some of your favorite zombies without asking you about them or were she planning on doing so, would you be angry? What would it take to get you to forgive something like that?
Either do that, or find a very good place to hide.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Maxillae the Mad
There’s been a lot of really in-depth technical and moral questions here over the past few months. My question’s a little bit different: What do you do for fun? Assuming necromancy is your “profession,” surely you wouldn’t spend all your downtime doing it as well? And it doesn’t seem like mindless undead would make for good company. What do you do to relax?
Signed,
Rest-and-Revivification
Dear R&R,
Ah, downtime. Yes. I will admit that I am quite fond of culinary pursuits. The cleaning, cutting and preparation of meat, as well as the seasoning thereof, the mixing of ingredients, all of these are a natural extension of my alchemical and necromantic backgrounds.A nice rare steak with an herbal rub of reaperbells and cinnamon? Divine. Particularly when it comes out right. I’ve been considering releasing a cookbook and naming it “Brain Food”, but you know, it is so difficult not to stay in one’s lane.
I also quite enjoy relaxing with my three rats, Ilium, Ischium, and Pubis.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Maxillae the Mad
My group is keeping the shiny pretties from me! We go out and we do things for the human folk with all kinds of glinty goodies, but when we get the things my groupies don’t give me none. I tell them, I says, Kava does all of the work! Kava has all the knives. ALL OF THEM! I says that I make more people ascared of us because I’m so good with the knives. But they says NO! They says Kava would just hurt herself like when she lit the barn on fire. I gets the coins, but none of the pretty rocks! they’re keeping them all for themselves and I don’t know what to do! People say you help, so you help!Kava.
Dear Kava,
The answer is very simple. You go on strike
What this means here, is that you take your knives, and you don’t give any of them to your group. You keep them to yourself and you stab nothing until they give you shiny things. If you truly are doing all of the work they will not be able to get on without you.
Alternatively, if you aren’t too attached to your companions you could always kill them. I’d be glad to remove the meaty parts for you so they are no longer in your way.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
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URGLUK ROH THE BRAVE, SON OF ORLOK THE STRONG
October 18, 2017 at 3:15 pmDEAR MAXILLAE THE MAD,
ENCLOSED IS SKULL OF TWO-FANG THE STRONG. WHEN I DECAPITATED, I THINK, “WOULD MAKE FOR GOOD GOBLET!” AND THEN THINK – MAYBE NECROMANCER FRIEND COULD USE SKULL GOBLET!
HAVE CLEANED AS BEST AS I CAN AND USE MIXTURE TO SEAL HOLE WHERE SPINE WAS. HOPE IT SURVIVED MAIL. TOLD POST MAN THAT IF HE BROKE, I WOULD MAKE HIM SKULL NEXT GOBLET.
ALSO. KILLED ELVISH SUMMONER WHO WAS ATTACKING STRONGHOLD, BIG CROW (OR RAVEN? ME NOT SURE) NOW FOLLOWING ME AROUND. KEEPS SAYING FAMILIAR. TOO SMALL TO EAT, TOO HELPFUL TO KILL. ADVICE PLEASE?
YOURS STRONGLY,
URGLUK ROH THE BRAVE, SON OF ORLOK THE STRONG
Feidhlim
October 18, 2017 at 4:46 pmDear Maxialle the Mad,
I was beset upon by some adventurers who ruined some some carefully laid plans of slowly taking over a Dwarven mountain, I had cursed several Dwarves by poisoning their food supply to make them stupid summoned demons, gained an army of goblins ogres and trogledytes, even some zombie Ogres from my master another powerful Necromancer, I think he said he was an academy friend of yours at one point, but anyway these adventures, I had a pretty sweet setup, I had built up an army I had started luring monsters and the undead into several key dwarf settlments, I had made other dwarf settlments under the mountain stupid via poisoning I was set to take the whole damn place over it took years of preparation and it was all foiled, by a traitorous dark elf, a wood elf monk who has a penchant from dropping on people from on high, a growing ever more popular folk hero named Barry and a surly dwarf. They cam charging in on an elephant almost killed me and destroyed everything, freed all my prisoners, killed all my soldiers and demons, I was lucky to get out. They even took my boyhood diary… and Master well he isn’t very pleased all I had left was one goblin named bubbles.
I want to get back at this quartet of mischief makers I want to make them suffer can you offer advice to a dark elf mage down on his luck?
-Dantrag
Silas Stormglade
October 18, 2017 at 4:58 pmDear Necromancer
Hello, you haven’t heard from me in a while. I should have you know that Gaarmund the Wise was taken into the Lich and used to restore his body via your little ritual. I was a fool to trust you.
And now I come to you with a plea, as the undead population in Duskmire has sharply risen due to “an unknown necromacer.” I plead you to leave the city alone. In trade I offer myself, a paladin of Solar. Is this an agreeable arrangment for the lives of my family and friends? If so, where shall I meet you?
Sincerely,
Prince Silas Stormglade, Former Paladin of Solar.