Speak With Dead #11: Two Allies and an Idiot
DEAR MAXILLAE THE MAD
Orc Mask- Cornel Zueger (GrimZombie) CC BY-SA 3.0
I LIKE HOW EXPERIENCED YOU ARE WITH MAGIC. I NOT VERY EXPERIENCED WITH MAGIC BUT I ENJOY READING YOUR COLUMN. I THINK PERHAPS IF ME WERE UNDEAD ORC, WE GET ALONG GREAT. BUT AM NOT UNDEAD.
MAYBE WE DRINK MEAD IN TAVERN SOME TIME? IF YOU AT HELLSCREAM GORGE Anytime SOON, MAYBE I SEE YOU. YOU CAN TEACH TO SUMMON SKELETON TO RIDE INTO BATTLE. URGLUK GIVE YOU LESSON ON HOW TO THROW BATTLE AXE INTO SKULLS.
MUCH LIKE,
URGLUK ROH THE BRAVE, SON OF ORLOK THE STRONG
Dear Urgluk,
You’re too kind, but I don’t believe your date plans are going to work out. Skeletons do have to come from somewhere and most of them have shoddy structural composition when compared to more fleshy creatures and if I know my anatomy most orcs tend to be heavy bodied as adults.
I do imagine the skeleton you’re looking for is a horse? Perhaps I can blend my knowledge of necromancy and artifice and come up with something truly worthy of your power. On the grounds, of course, that you would be willing to use it to ride to my aid as well if I call. I do believe we could be quite sound allies.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Hand of Guanajuato mummy Tomascastelazo CC SA 2.5 Cropped
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
How does a mummy become a mummy lord? Do I need special training or some sort of magical ritual? Either way, would you be willing to assist me? This “sitting around in a coffin waiting for adventurers to moan at” thing just isn’t cutting it for me anymore.
Signed,
Under-Wraps
Dear Under-Wraps,
I’ve never worked with a mummy before. Intriguing.
When it comes to vampires their hierarchy is more to do with the number of undead progeny they have spread and how old they are, however, mummies I believe were given their rank before they were embalmed and something about the process is different.
Although to be fair all of those titles are a mere formality. Come to me and we will do a little surgery on your sawdust. I look forward to seeing what potential lies in those bones and linens. Perhaps Urgluk will be around as well. He certainly seems keen on giving someone something new to moan at.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Necromancer Scum…I mean Maxillmae the Mad.
Roland the Paladin, Helen Stratton – A book of myths (1915) December 31, 1914 PD
It is with a heavy heart that I resort to such measures. However, I have found there is nowhere else to turn. I and my associates have brought down a Lich and stolen its phylactery. That being said, we have no way to destroy it. Garmunnd the Wise, our resident wizard, is baffled by the magical wards that bind this thing. So…here I am writing one who would know how to break this foul creature’s tie to the mortal realm.
Scu…i mean Maxillmae. How do you destroy a phylactery efficiently?
-Silas Stormglade, Paladin of Solar and third son to King Stormglade of Duskmire
Dear Silas Stormglade,
Scum, twice? I should have thought if you were going to bother to write you would have at least come up with a better insult than that, dearie. Ah, but it was quite clever for a paladin I’m sure. Thank you for investing so much time in that bite, it’s charming.
Have your wizard draw up a casting circle and place the phylactery in the center. Then, you are going to want to place a few magically charged objects around it. Draw several summoning glyphs around the outside to make the magic flow better or it will never get enough to destroy it.
Make sure your entire party is present when it happens. The summoning glyphs are merely to bring forth the tether for you to fight on the material plane as you paladins are so prone to do and definitely not going to fast track the lich back to resurrection.
Best of luck. Perhaps if you survive I’ll see you in Duskmire.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?
Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!
Feidhlim
September 19, 2017 at 4:09 pmDear Maxialle the Mad,
I am a recently deceased individual or as some might refer to as a ghost, I’ve had a hard time coping as a ghost, its disconcerting that I don’t need sleep, I miss enjoying things living beings do like eating and feeling the warmth of the sun on ones skin, I figured you’d be knowledgeable enough to tell me what one does for fun after becoming a ghost, I’ve tried haunting people but the fun of that wears off fast. I’m currently possessing someone to write and post this letter to you this seems to have some enjoyment but I’m unimaginative and anm not sure what to do beyond that.
Yours Gunther the unimaginative Ghost
PS if you want to use my body to add your undead horde its in a ditch outside the town thats marked on the return address no one else is probably going to get any use out of it.
There-Can-Be-Only-One
September 19, 2017 at 5:58 pmDear Maxillae the Mad,
In my experience, necromancers (or necromancer aspirants) typically only care about their horde of undead. I’ve noticed that even you have talked about the numbers under your control. I would prefer a different approach, if it all possible.
My question is this: How would one go about creating a single, powerful, skilled undead? I’m not looking for anything intelligent, as your former vampire questioner might be concerned, but simply one undead that could act as a sort of enforcer. After all, it doesn’t need to be intelligent, it just needs to follow directions. It just seems to me that one undead of greater strength could be more beneficial than an army of weaker undead in certain circumstances, and I believe I have found myself in such circumstances. It had occurred to me that I could try a bone golem, but it didn’t feel like true necromancy.
I look forward to your response,
There-Can-Be-Only-One
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October 1, 2023 at 9:15 pm