Speak With Dead #10: Natural Selection
Dear Maxillae,
I’m sure there’s weirder relationships out there.
I just read the response you posted to Dominic the Virile in Speak with Dead #8, and it gave me the courage to come forward with my question today. I am a necromancer who is dating a medusa. Believe me, I understand all the pitfalls of our relationship. But, I have a nagging problem that might undermine our relationship. I believe that many of her favorite statues may have been past lovers.
She did strictly forbid me from breaking the statues, but I figured out that returning them to flesh would not ‘break’ them or my vow. Is it wrong of me to want to return them to flesh, kill them, and then animate them for my entourage? My apprentice says it’s a waste of effort, and someone else warned me that she might take advantage of them being mobile again. Your thoughts?
Anonymous and jealous
Dear Anon & Jealous,
If you are concerned that your girlfriend is going to cheat on you with an animated corpse you have more problems in your relationship than her potentially keeping the statues of a few exes around. And just for the record, lack of mobility does not mean she isn’t already taking advantage. Have you asked her about the statues? Who they are and why she keeps them?
Consider the possibility that one of these statues is some kind of ancient force of good and would smite you the second you turned it back from stone. Consider the possibility that they are sick and very contagious and unpetrifying them would unpetrify the plague as well. And even if it’s not, there’s a reason she likes them. You would take something of value from your lover on the grounds that they are her favorites? And you are more concerned about the presence of these statues than possibly becoming one yourself?
On second thought. Yes, absolutely turn them to flesh. Do this without asking your medusa girlfriend why she’s keeping them around. I am sure you will look lovely in marble.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Wisdom, maybe, but certainly didn’t pass that Deception check.
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
I’m sorry to hear about your recent troubles with adventurers. As an up-and-coming “villain” myself, I could definitely use some pointers on defenses.
Do you happen to offer tours of your crypt?
Signed,
Not-A-Cleric
Dear Not-A-Cleric,
Oh yes. Oh absolutely, yes, step into my parlor.
You are more than welcome to stay as long as you like and then some.
Regards,
Not-Going-To-Zombify-You
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
Just keep practicing, Rodney. Figure out what the bully’s weak stat is and learn the spells that target those saving throws.
My name is Rodney. I’m 15 I get pushed around a lot in my school by some warriors in training in my year… me and my friends in the sorcery class are always getting picked on by them, they always say “Magic’s for wussies who can’t throw a punch.” (It wasn’t wussies they said I was paraphrasing the word they used was disrespectful and demeaning to women.)
The other day one them pushed me around to enchant some flowers to write a message to an apprentice thief in the class to impress her and it did… he took credit for it too, he didn’t even give me a thank you.
I want to get back at him and his stupid friends, what should I do? I’m top of my class in spellcasting but none of the books we have got any useful revenge spells.
Yours respectfully
Rodney trainee mage, 15
Dear Rodney,
If that thief was too stupid to realize a meat-headed fighter didn’t enchant those flowers himself, then she is not smart enough for you. Let them pick on you, someday you will be able to rain fire from the sky and all of the fear they have bestowed on you will be theirs tenfold.
You’ll find that magic is often about creativity. There are a great many simple spells that you can use to devastating effect. Prestidigitation is particularly useful, you can quite literally catch him on fire with it. Alternatively since he seems keen on asking you for help the next time he requests you enchant some flowers for him make the flowers write obscenities.
He is probably going to punch you. But he is going to punch you anyway. Either leave him thoroughly unable to retaliate or make it so that it is not worth it for him to continue screwing with you as he is. Alternatively, bide your time until you learn how to cast finger of death and one day make him a permanent fixture in your undead shield wall. You can even make him hit himself.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?
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Under-Wraps
September 7, 2017 at 3:08 pmDear Maxillae the Mad,
How does a mummy become a mummy lord? Do I need special training, or some sort of magical ritual? Either way, would you be willing to assist me? This “sitting around in a coffin waiting for adventurers to moan at” thing just isn’t cutting it for me anymore.
Signed,
Under-Wraps
Gannon
September 7, 2017 at 4:59 pmDear Necromancer Scum…I mean Maxillmae the Mad.
It is with heavy heart that I resort to such measures, however I have found there is no where else to turn. Myself and my associates have brought down a Lich and stolen it’s phylactary. That being said, we have no way to destroy it. Garmunnd the Wise, our resident wizard, is baffled by the magical wards that bind this thing. So…here I am writing one who would know how to break this foul creature’s tie to the mortal realm.
Scu…i mean Maxillmae. How do you destroy a Phylactary efficiently.
-Silas Stormglade, Paladin of Solar and third son to King Stormglade of Duskmire
The Walking (with) Dead
September 12, 2017 at 12:39 amDear Maxillmae the Mad,
I have been studying the Necrotic arts for decent time now and have found myself in the service of a very open minded adventuring party. The unfortunate thing is, while I have no qualms against the dead as fellow travelers, a large band of walking corpses tends to make a lot of noise, alarm the “normal” people, and be frowned upon in general. My party has forced me to occasionally “part with” a number of my followers when their numbers become too large.
To combat this I have taken to disposing of them in increasingly entertaining ways. occasionally adding glyphs of explosions to them and letting them run into danger before going out in a…shall we say blaze of glory. More recently the incident at the walled city of Moorehammer where I used glyphs of flying to siege the fortified city.
Sigh, the screams of the towns people as the undead rained from the sky were such a melody to my ears.
Unfortunately I have been hit with a creative block of what to do next and my army has grown too large once again. Any creative advise for the disposal of these undead?
Dying to hear from you,
-The Walking (with) dead
Brad Scarry
September 13, 2017 at 10:49 amDear Maxillmae The Mad,
After reading your response to my previous question, it got me thinking. I believe you are correct. I think some part of me just wanted someone to let me know that it is ok and i’m not a freak for wanting to switch from being a Cleric, who heals people thereby stopping them from dying, to becoming a Necromancer, who most people view as these horrible, evil people who enjoy death.
On a more interesting note. since my last post, I have been able to learn, and have used, the Revivify spell. Not sure if you would consider that a Necromancy spell or not, but it was interesting to be able to watch someone come back from the dead, granted they had only been dead for less than a minute, but still.
I think I have finally decided to make the switch and become a full Nercomancer! Any advice for a new Necromancer in Training?
New Necromancer-to-be,
Grim Everwood