Blog

Speak With Dead #07: Undeath Support

Dear Maxillae the Mad,
IS THIS THE GOOGLE? EVERYTHING I TYPE IS UPPERCASED. IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING BUT I’M NOT. MY GRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME TO ASK THE GOOGLE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS. HELP!
Signed,
WHAT’S A USERNAME? I’M BETH

Dear BETH,

This is not The Google. This is Maxillae. I understand you are having some trouble with your connective device and I also understand you are nearing the end of your natural life cycle and your bones and musculature are no longer supple and resistant to the wear and tear of decay, so allow me to offer some support.

I am unfamiliar with The Google, but I imagine they are some sort of syndicate or faction in your world much like The Zhentarim or The Harpers. Unfortunate that you should need to seek out such a force for aid with such a mundane problem. Such people can be rather difficult to seek out if you are not already connected to them, but if your granddaughter already has the information that you need she should be more ready to assist you, I feel.

Call her and remind her that she once needed aid in using a fork and that at that point you were there for her. Whoever The Google are, I am certain their help will not be worth it to you as help from such people always comes with a price.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Maybe keeping your gold in a spellbook billfold will confer some magical protection from these “legitimate” businesspeople?

Dear Maxillae

I am a…uh…legitimate business man working in a small port town. Now this town has a lot of “accidents” and unsavory individuals and so me and the boys we runs a protection business ya know for security but people forget to pay and well accidents happen so we gotta ya know remind folks and show ’em different things they need protecting from. I was wondering if you could share some examples that we can try on folks who don’t pa- I mean warn our customers about to make sure they pay. Capisce?

Dear Legitimate Business Man,

I believe I fathom your dilemma. Harming the source of your income is problematic because soon there will be no one left to pay you for your services. We in the necromancy business do not have this problem. Corpses, for us, are good for business.

However, they can be good for business for you as well. My suggestion is to make use of the ones you already have in your possession. The clever use of severed parts can create a sense of hesitation in anyone. My suggestion would be to leave a piece of someone on the property of whoever is giving you trouble. Make it clear this gift is from you. Most commoners will roll over for something such as that.

A reminder also, that you know where they live, is usually in order. Oh, and if you do end up with a fatality please do send them my way.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I am a life cleric that has recently learned a spell you yourself may be familiar with called speak with dead. Me and my fellow adventurers have used it on multiple occasions to interrogate enemies of ours that we ”accidentally” killed or forgot that we wished to interrogate for information about a stronger enemy that we were going to have to face later on.

My question to you: should I go ahead and try to learn a couple more necromancy-type spells? Or just give up being a cleric altogether and dive head first into becoming a full necromancer?

Your Reluctant Fan (Advice column Only…so far),
Grim Everwood

P.S. The Irony of my name vs. my initial career choice is not lost on me.

Dear Grim,

Some of the best necromancers in the world are clerics. You needn’t quit being what you are in order to pursue the correct career path. Clearly you already have access to some necromancy spells and it appears to be working well for you.

Let me counter-pose a question for you, my dear friend. You are asking me, knowing fully well what I am and how I feel about my job. You already know what my answer will be. Why would you ask me if you were not ready to take up the mantle of death and command your own undead forces?

In your heart, you want to give it a try, or you would be asking someone more objective. So I can only assume you are writing me for permission to do the thing you already desire. Take it. Do what you wish, and embrace your inner nature. There is no shame in it. After all, is the greater evil not denying yourself and what is already within you?

Do it slowly if you wish. A spell or two at first. Learn a little at a time. But I pose to you, that you have already made your choice.

Respectfully,

Maxillae the Mad

Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?

Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!

[amazon_link asins=’0691119686,B01N2RZVOU,0765381079′ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’nerdarchy-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’0ab59649-7d8e-11e7-89cb-29f48dc0b0ef’]

Related articles

• Diablo III: Rise of the Necromancer to Launch June 27
• Dungeons and Dragons – You gotta have Faith to play a Cleric
• Speak With Dead #02: NecRomantic Questions