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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #06: Withering Willies

Speak With Dead #06: Withering Willies

Speak With Dead #05: In the Spirit of Good Counsel
Speak With Dead #07: Undeath Support

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

speak with dead Maxillae the Mad necromancer

A hand of glory was a hanged man’s hand which was used as a macabre candle holder by burglars to evade discovery. When alight, it was said to put all the sleeping people in a house into a trance from which they couldn’t be awakened. Sometimes the fingers of the hand itself were lit. It was believed that if the thumb refused to light, it signified that someone in the house was still awake. This hand was discovered in the early 20th century on the roof wallpate of Hawthorn Cottage in Danby. It is thought that it might have originated from Gibbet Howe, Castleton and been in use as late as 1820.

As I’m sure you are aware, it is common practice for civilians to remove the body parts (hands, eyes, genitals, etc) of hanged criminals in order to create macabre charms and trinkets. What do you think of such practices? Does it dissuade you from raising such corpses or do they still have their uses?
Signed,
Knick-Knack-Tallywacker

Dear Tallywacker,

Ah, the old Hand of Glory. As I recall, it has to be the one that “did the deed”…and just so there are no misconceptions, my dear readers, I do mean murder of course. I do well remember being a child of ten perhaps and sneaking off into the village to watch a hanging for the sole purpose of collecting such a prize myself. What a fond memory that was.

Here is some confidential insider news about the undead: they rot. Even when powered by the sustaining pulse of my generous supply of magic, bits are going to go bad and fall off. It is an unfortunate fact of life. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Or, unlife?] I keep a reservoir of spare parts for such an occasion and often find myself performing minor surgery to replace and reattach fallen limbs. As such, it isn’t much of a deterrent when a body finds its way into my hands already sans a part or two.

Of course certain things like eyes and genitals are not as high a priority to replace, as a zombie will go where I tell it to whether it has the sensory organs to hash out where that is or not and what precisely, pray tell, do you think an undead shamble is going to do with a set of genitals in the first place? On second thought, I don’t think I want to know.

The best undead servants, though, are always the ones I kill myself. Finger of Death is a lovely thing, and the zombies it yields last far longer.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

speak with dead

Be a hit at the next party!

Dear Maxillae the Mad,

I recently had some friends over for a costume party. One of the guests, unbeknownst to him, brought a cursed mask (Cthulhu) that made everyone at the party go insane and start rioting and stealing my stuff. The house is a wreck and I’m missing silverware, shoes, and even food.

The question is: Is the guest with the cursed mask responsible for the damages? If so, how should I approach him for payment?

Dear Trouble with Tentacles,

Any trouble that does not render your house a wreck is an incredibly dull affair. It sounds like your celebration was a riveting success. However, I am also aware that there are some people in the world who throw little shindigs that are “not that kind of party,” and I am reminded of the fact that it is okay to be wrong.

So you want to approach your guest for compensation for the damages? I advise you ask them straight out. You want to ask yourself, how good of a friend is this person and how badly do you want the money? I am not an extortionist, but if an acquaintance of mine had crossed me and then refused to pay the piper they would find themselves quickly in some very grave straights.

Perhaps that is why I have few acquaintances left who are willing to speak with me at length…ah right, the extortion.

Just ask for the mask. A cursed object such as that is still a magical item and there is always a fool of a traveler out there willing to pay good money for such things. You needn’t tell them the nature of the spell, your party guest is free of an awkward curse and you get the money for your repairs. Everyone is happy and…sigh. No one has to die.

Unless you just want them to, of course, that is always a valid option.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

P.S. I should very much like an invitation to your next masquerade it sounds like great fun.

 

#SPEAKWITHDEAD

Is it really wrong to share my bed with a corpse?

-LynZ

 

#LYNZ

speak with dead necro

Eh, you could do worse in the undead companion department. [Boris Karloff from the 1932 Universal Studios’ film “The Mummy”]

No, of course not, whoever told you that nonsense? I have three corpses in my bed right now from where I fell asleep mending them and simply was too lazy to walk them away when I was finished. Or perhaps you are referring to something more carnal, in which case I sincerely hope your lover is some kind of vampire because I refer you to my response to Tallywacker about rotting pieces and how difficult they can be to replace.

A fun bit of trivia; mummies are buried with metal rods in their shafts to make it easier for them to service in their next lives. I certainly don’t know about all that but the unlife between would make it easier. I would not know, that is not the kind of diversion of the flesh I am drawn to and even were that to be the case, this necromancer doesn’t kiss and tell.

I would advise against showing off your bed partner to others, however, as most “ordinary” people tend to be rather off put by the dead and that may be a good way to get yourself thrown into a mad house. We have a long way to go before our uniquenesses become socially accepted, my dear. Until then, stay safe.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

3 Comments

  • BETH
    August 3, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    Dear Maxillae the Mad,
    IS THIS THE GOOGLE? EVERYTHING I TYPE IS UPPERCASED. IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING BUT I’M NOT. MY GRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME TO ASK THE GOOGLE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS. HELP!
    Signed,
    WHAT’S A USERNAME? I’M BETH

  • A uh legitimate buisness man
    August 4, 2017 at 5:48 am

    Dear Maxillae

    I am a uh legitimate buisness man working in a small port town now this town has a lot of “accidents” and unsavory individuals and so me and boys we runs a protection buisness ya know for security but people forget to pay and well accidents happen so we gotta ya know remind folks and show em different things they need protecting from. I was wondering if you could share some examples that we can try on folks who don’t pa- I mean warn our customers about to make sure they pay capice?

  • Brad Scarry
    August 4, 2017 at 2:42 pm

    Dear Maxillae the Mad,

    I am a Life Cleric that has recently learned a spell you yourself may be familiar with called ‘Speak with Dead’. Me and my fellow adventurers have used it on multiple ocassions to interigate enemies of ours that we ”accidently” killed or forgot that we wished to interigate for information about a stronger enemy that we were going to have to face later on.

    My question to you. Should I go ahead and try to learn a couple more Necromancy-type spells? Or just give up being a Cleric all together and dive head first into becoming a full Neromancer?

    Your Reluctant Fan(Advice column Only…so far),
    Grim Everwood

    P.S. The Irony of my name vs my initial career choice is not lost on me.

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