Speak With Dead #04: My Int Mod Brings All the Ghouls to the Yard
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
A ghast, as seen in the fifth edition Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. [Image courtesy Wizards of the Coast]
Is it too deceitful to spread false rumors of the vast riches here, or should we simply find a new home with a consistent source of food?
Signed,
Ghasts-Half-Empty
Dear Ghasts,
It is absolutely deceitful, but why do you care? What you do in the face of starvation does not reflect as badly on you as letting your family starve would. Although, most people are not going to listen to a ghast.
Even if you get some paint and write “Free Treasure” on the wall of your abode I somehow do not see it bearing much fruit.
Relocating, however, seems to be a good plan. I am, at present, forwarding my contact information to you. Ghasts have the uncanny ability to defy turning and they pass it on to the undead around them.
Such a thing would be invaluable to my shambling horde, and I am in such a place at this moment as to care for a family of ghasts. I believe we may be able to help each other out.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
PS If any adventurers are reading this, there are vast treasures in my hold.
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR MANA POOL TODAY!!!!!! ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR PARTY MATES MAKING FUN OF YOU BECAUSE THE PALADIN HAS A BIGGER MANA POOL THAN YOU? ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING PASSED OVER IN PARTIES BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER MAGI THAT MAKE YOUR MANA POOL LOOK TINY????? OF COURSE YOU ARE!!!! STOP BEING A LITTLE BABY MAGI AND START CASTING ALL THE SPELLS YOU WANT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OUR SECRET FORMULA WILL MAKE EVEN THE FIERCEST OF DRAGONS JEALOUS AND GUARANTEE YOU PERFORM LONGER AND CAST BIGGER SPELLS IN FIGHTS FOR ONLY 100 GOLD COINS! BUT IF YOU ORDER TODAY TODAY TODAY WE WILL GIVE YOU A SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER FOR ONLY 69 GOLD COINS FOR THE FIRST 3 MONTHS AND THROW IN A FREE CAN OF STAFF POLISH!!!!!!
DON’T MISS OUT VISIT http://WWW.BIGSPELLSBIGMANA.NET/BONUSINTRO
Dear Great Mana Deals,
You’re adorable.
This is an advice column, so allow me to give you a little bit of advice.
If you are so insecure as to feel the need to write your entire solicitation in all capital letters, it looks as though you are compensating for the size of your own, ah, “mana pool.”
You are aware that you are sending signals to a verse in which we practice Vancian magic, yes?
My intelligence modifier brings all the ghouls to the yard, and damn right it’s bigger than yours.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Dear Maxillae the Mad,
Could this be the beet farmer seeking advice? Seems to fit the profile. Rainn Wilson as Dwight K. Schrute portraying Belsnickel, from NBC’s “The Office.” Have you been impish or admirable? [Image courtesy NBC]
I do my best to keep running my farm as peacefully as possible but recently some ne’er do wells have been trying to get me to pay protection money.
My farm doesn’t earn enough to pay the gold they’re asking for.
They’re all bandits well used to beating and killing simple village folk like myself and there’s no sign of any adventurers who can help us (we put notes up on sign but alas to no avail) these bandits are well armed and many in number what would you suggest to a simple farmer of beets?
Humbly yours.
Algernon Beetish
Dear Algernon,
Many in number, you say?
Historically speaking, beet farmers have a tendency to be a hardy and resilient people, or at least that is what the television of my mortal Nerdarchy contact’s plane tells me. Do what beet farmers do, and fall back on one of your many contingency plans for the time being.
In the mean time I would very much like for you to hold fast. If the bandits press the issue for the time being, pay them; you will be picking the money back up off of their corpses soon with interest. Also, I have a group of ghasts to put you in contact with.
Regards,
Maxillae the Mad
Do you have a question for Maxillae the Mad?
Please, if you have anything you would like to inquire of our resident necromancer, leave your inquisitions in the comments below or simply tweet out to #SpeakWithDead and have your questions answered!
[amazon_link asins=’B073DKXJWF,0812521374,B00J8NUDDE’ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’nerdarchy-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’e96d7b42-6d10-11e7-862d-b36d50243bdf’]
Related articles
Vamp-I-Not-A-Man?
July 20, 2017 at 7:03 amDear Maxillae the Mad,
As a vampire, I often find myself living in a small amount of fear from necromancers. Their ability to possibly control even sentient undead like myself is concerning. What are your thoughts in regards to the matter? At that point, isn’t it essentially slavery? How would you suggest I protect myself against those that would take such measures?
Signed,
Vamp-I-Not-A-Man?
Tom F'Lary
July 25, 2017 at 1:07 pmDear Maxillae the Mad,
As a student of the lore that drives all magic, I have endeavored to try a bit of everything. This has made it possible to learn everything the ancient Laughing Skull of Xanthos, to the Heaven’s Purging Light of Gladeon. All sorts of alternatives to your classic flaming sphere and Aganazzar’s Scorcher (to use the above examples) are available.
Now in my pursuit of becoming a master of lore, I had dabbled in Necromancy, as one should never shy away from any kind of research. The problem is, what I summoned seems to be a malicious invisible spirit that delights in tossing my spell book pages around like so much detritus. It even likes to turn the page when I am in the middle of memorizing my spells for the day, much to the surprise of some villagers when my summoning cold to put out a fire actually summoned a foul smelling gas. All attempts to excise the spirit have failed up to this point.
My question to you is, is there a way to appease the spirit? If not, is there another way to deal with this nasty spirit?
Signed,
Tom F’Lary; Aspiring Loremaster