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Nerdarchy > Speak With Dead  > Speak With Dead #01: Brain Food

Speak With Dead #01: Brain Food

Speak With Dead #00: Raising Questions
Speak With Dead #02: NecRomantic Questions

Dear Maxillae,

What is the best way to avoid the whole issue regarding my friend? We were going out for a while, but she is unfortunately an alchemist who shed her mortal coil. I still want to keep things going, but I just don’t know if I can deal with her hunger for brains anymore, or if I should just become a lich to be with her.

-Grant

Dear Grant,

lichLichdom is a very important decision in any necromancer’s life and should not be undertaken lightly. Furthermore, if you are having trouble dealing with her hunger for brains currently, I have some bad news for you regarding your own future diet should you opt to take that final step into merciless undeath.

Have you spoken to your plane’s resident death deity? Knowing what entity you will be making pacts with in order to transition is important, as they will be a great asset to you as the undeath sets in. Have you chosen an item to be your phylactery? That is another very important decision to make, as not only will it be your soul’s home for the foreseeable future, but also your greatest weakness, so you are ideally going to want something ornate but not too obvious.

Have you made arrangements for your ritual sacrifice? The process of becoming a lich involves the soul and blood of a sentient creature, the latter of which you will have to drink after you mix it with several very expensive poisons. Do you have the proper funds set back to do this? I know it can be tempting to go in as soon as you possibly can, but you have to consider, your future pursuits will still require funding, and procuring fresh souls to feed your phylactery is no simple matter either and can be quite expensive.

There are many benefits, of course, to becoming the lich. No longer having to eat, breathe, drink or sleep is a big one, and there is a big increase in power that comes with the whole affair, but there are also a lot of big responsibilities that come with it that you want to make sure you are absolutely prepared for before you take that step. No man or woman is worth “just becoming a lich to be with them.”

I admire your tenacity, sticking to your crossbows to stick by your girl. There are many good sources for brains in the world. I suggest you invest in a good, sturdy shovel. Alternatively, to avoid her attempting to claw her way into your head after your brains, you might train as a Paladin, as it is difficult to be tempted by water when the well has run dry.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae the Mad,
I am an aspiring bard, but my friends say my music is bad enough to wake the dead. Is this actually possible? Also, any advice for my career, or should I just give up on my dream?

Signed,

Currently De-Composing

 

Dear De-Composing,

BardI have seen the dead brought to walk by many forces, but never someone’s bad music. Have you considered picking up a different instrument? I hear certain orcish tribes are rather fond of a woodwind instrument fashioned from the internal organs of a goat and that the natural sound of such a thing is ghastly, yet the orcs seem to like it all the same.

You might also consider referring to your work as “Industrial” as that appears on some planes to be a word which means “sounds like a rust monster’s dinner party but for some reason people like it anyway.”

On the other hand, you could also become a percussionist. Even if every other thing you play sounds atrocious, as long as you are capable of keeping a beat, it is very difficult to screw up being a drummer.

It is also worth noting that you may simply be seeking out the wrong audience. I have found that a row of corpses very seldom complains about their entertainment. Or perhaps just consider a career in the rat control business. I’ve found one of my my dear pet rats, Ilium, is fond of a great number of unpleasant sounds. I’m certain no less than a third of rats in the wild would react similarly.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

 

Dear Maxillae,

My daughter’s ‘imaginary’ friend is now doing actual harm to our farm. Should I be worried about her spending more and more time with this being? What could it actually be? She’s only 102 years old, and I think it’s past time for her to give up on the friendship, but she insists that he’s her only true friend. What should I do?

– Elvish Farmer

 

Dear Farmer,

clericAs I’m sure you have worked out by now, your daughter’s “imaginary” friend is likely some sort of spectral shade contacting her from beyond the grave. There are many a number of ways to deal with a restless spirit, not the least of which is exorcism, though I do not recommend such practices as personally any proximity to such an act leaves me feeling quite restless myself.

Perhaps this entity is doing harm to your farm due to your rejection of its presence. The entire matter could very likely be avoided by simply finding out what the spirit likes and leaving an offering for it every so often. Tolerance and cohabitation with the dead can be a grand alternative to a potentially very bloody altercation.

Now, you did mention your daughter has been speaking to this entity for quite some time, which suggests some natural gifts in the field of necromancy. I would advise nourishing these talents by procuring for her creepy flesh-bound spellbooks at shady marketplaces and avoiding practices like disposing of the corpses you find lying around her chambers. Talent should be encouraged, after all, and once she learns her mastery of the dead, who knows? Perhaps this ghostly business will tidy itself up after all.

Regards,

Maxillae the Mad

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Robin Miller

Speculative fiction writer and part-time Dungeon Master Robin Miller lives in southern Ohio where they keep mostly nocturnal hours and enjoys life’s quiet moments. They have a deep love for occult things, antiques, herbalism, big floppy hats and the wonders of the small world (such as insects and arachnids), and they are happy to be owned by the beloved ghost of a black cat. Their fiction, such as The Chronicles of Drasule and the Nimbus Mysteries, can be found on Amazon.

2 Comments

  • Lust-For-Unlife
    June 29, 2017 at 7:14 pm

    Dear Maxillae the Mad,
    While trudging through an ancient tomb the other day, I became cursed. Now I only find myself attracted to zombies, ghosts, and, most strangely, skeletons. Should I tell my cleric about this or just wait for it to clear up?
    Signed,
    Lust-For-Unlife

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